How Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria Can Prevent You From Initiating Intimacy

Rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is a person’s heightened sensitivity to actual or perceived rejection. It can be quite frustrating to live with, as it doesn’t just make me hyper-emotional when I do get rejected, but it stops me from pursuing new things on the basis that I just might get rejected. It’s the ol’ “You can’t fail if you don’t try” theory turned lifestyle.

So what happens when you apply that lifestyle to your intimate life?

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Intimacy and sexuality are two very normal parts of human life, and they’re also very vulnerable things. While some people do believe that sex can be just sex and nothing else, for others it’s not that simple. A lot of people don’t like making the first move when you’re just flirting because what if you’re rejected. But sex is a whole different ball game.

Also just to say it, we’re talking about consensual sex and intimacy during this story, nothing else. This isn’t “They said no so now I’m going to weaponize and gaslight them over it.” Not at all. This is about someone’s personal feelings after being turned away when looking for an intimate moment with a trusted partner that they respect and care for.

Have you ever been in a room with someone before an intimate moment, wanting a kiss or more, but you’re too afraid to try because what if they rejected you? Or maybe you did try, they rejected you, and you start spiraling thinking that you’re undesirable or gross, and making it deeper than it ultimately may be? That’s rejection-sensitive dysphoria. They could be turning you down due to libido differences, or they’re busy. However, due to the intense vulnerability that can come with intimacy and how pervasive RSD is, it’s genuinely a recipe for disaster, which stops people from even thinking of trying. They deprive themselves of their needs, while also putting the responsibility on the other partner to always instigate intimate moments. While some don’t mind that, others may. 

If you struggle with this, there are some ways to work through it:

1. Communication is key.

Try communicating with your partner about RSD and how it’s impacting your intimate life. It has nothing to do with the partner, and everything with the traits of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Everything starts with proper communication.

2. Scheduled intimacy can actually work in your favor here.

Schedule a time with your partner to be intimate, and test the waters by agreeing that you will be the one to initiate the moment. Start small. It doesn’t have to be everything, but maybe it’s small. If your RSD is bad enough, initiating a simple cuddle session could be hard. Start small or where you’re comfortable, and then push yourself a little more every time moving forward.

3. Aftercare aftercare aftercare.

Aftercare after intimacy is crucial, and it comes in many different ways. Sometimes it’s cuddling, other times it’s video games or maybe baking cookies together. You should always embrace aftercare for sure, but here you pushed yourself and did something that was very hard to do. Aftercare in this case is even more important.

4. Communicate after all is said and done about what worked, what didn’t, and maybe what you can try moving forward.

Once you’ve had time to think, come back together and discuss how it felt. It may even help to talk to a therapist about this as well. Talk about initiating intimacy, your feelings around it now that you’re trying to get over it, specific things your partner did that helped, and maybe some things they did that didn’t. What would help you more? Praise? More touch from them? Sit and workshop it so the next time you try, you can learn from the first time and hopefully become more comfortable with it.

You deserve intimacy, and you shouldn’t feel afraid to go after it due to RSD. It’s such a delicate game, but that’s when having a supportive partner whether platonic or romantic comes in handy. Just remember regardless of how your RSD hits you, no does in fact mean no and that’s an irrefutable fact.

You got this. I believe in you.