When Anxiety Makes You a Living Paradox

Anxiety comes with both mental and physical symptoms. I’m used to feeling a few of those daily: fast heartbeat, hard breathing, shaky hands, sweating, tiredness, sadness, loneliness, isolation.

But there is this one feeling I still don’t know how to handle: I feel confused all the time. I feel two opposite things at once and it leaves me irritated.

I feel sad one minute and happy the next.

I feel like I need to say sorry all the time, then start hating apologizing in general.

I feel like I need to explain my behavior to everyone, yet I’m sick of justifying myself every time.

I’m tired all day, but I can’t seem to sleep.

I overthink everything or nothing at all.

I’m being lazy, yet I’m ambitious.

I act like I don’t care about anything and anyone, but the truth is I care way too much.

I constantly hate my life and embrace it the next second.

I love myself, but I want to change everything about me.

I think I deserve all of this, then feel betrayed by life for being unfair to me.

I can’t deal with my feelings anymore, but I know I’m strong enough to keep fighting.

I think I’m probably making this illness up, but then I realize it’s there and it’s real.

I want to give up and keep going at the same time.

I feel like I’m getting better, then a feeling of me failing at everything comes along.

I want to die, but I’m glad I’m still here.

I want this illness to go away, but I’m scared of loosing a part of me.

I feel worthless at first, than feel like I’m enough the next minute.

I want to be left alone, but this loneliness is killing me.

I don’t want to go anywhere, yet I want to leave this room so badly.

I don’t want your help, but I also wish you would reach out your hand to help me up.

I hide my feelings and my anxiety, but shout it out to the world later on.

I crave attention, but reject it as soon as it comes my way.

I feel relieved for telling you about my mental illness, and regret it the next second.

I’m not anxious, but I am.

I’m OK, while not being OK.

I’m confused about this situation, but I know exactly wants going on.

I’m fighting myself.

Anxiety is fighting with reality, my illness is battling my personality; not caring about the damage they are all doing to me. I’m aware the battle between them is good, but I don’t know how to handle it and I don’t know if it will end one day, or how, because I still can’t tell which one will win. It’s scary and exhausting.

I’m a living paradox.

I still feel like this makes no sense at all and I’m scared that if I can’t figure myself out, no one else ever will.

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Thinkstock photo via KatarzynaBialasiewicz