A Letter to an Anxious Bride, With 5 Reminders About Getting Married

Dear Anxious Bride,

Just a few months ago, I was an anxious bride too.

In December, I was marrying the most amazing, selfless, kind man I could imagine. We had known each other for a long time; eight years before we decided to tie the knot. We weren’t just lovebirds. We were best friends. We both had similar interests, and our personalities meshed quite well. Everything seemed picture perfect, like our love story was straight out of a fairytale.

And it was.

Except, it wasn’t.

You see, for a long time I had been coping with high-functioning anxiety. I had seen a counselor and I had developed good techniques to rise above my anxious feelings. I knew the breathing techniques, I used lavender sprays and comfort blankets, and I had a medication just in case. My family and fiancé were incredibly supportive of me. The summer before I got married was one of the most relaxing and rewarding summers I have had. I finally did not have to take summer classes, and I was working at a job that was both rewarding and invigorating.

And then, it hit me. In late September, I began having constant feelings of horrible dread, fear, and anxiety. Every waking moment, I was plagued with feelings of guilt and foreboding. At night, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, worrying about how I would cope with my anxiety without my family to support me and replaying every bad thing I had ever done or said over and over.

I felt like I would lose control, and I worried that I was going crazy. I felt guilty for “making” my future husband have to deal with my problems and anxieties. I felt guilty for not wanting to get married because of how I felt. I felt guilty for not feeling joyful and excited about my wedding. The fear and anxiety was oppressive and constant. I wished I had never agreed to get married. It was simply too scary.

I knew logically that I was only moving an hour and a half away and could visit often. I knew that my fiancé was probably the most perfect guy I could find out there. I knew that fear was normal for brides to experience. And, I knew I did actually want to get married. But, I’d never imagined it would be quite this hard.

And yet, I survived it all. It wasn’t easy. In fact, getting married was a mind over matter task. It was the most terrifying choice I have ever made. But, it was also totally worth it. Those feelings of dread didn’t last forever, and I learned new ways to cope in my new environment. In fact, being married is totally worth it and pretty awesome.

But, I know it probably doesn’t feel like that right now, and every person’s experience is different. But, here’s a few reminders that helped me make it through the transition.

1. Feeling anxious about big life transitions is not weird or strange.

In fact, most brides feel some degree of apprehension before, on, and after their wedding day, though actual anxiety can be much more severe. However, take heart in the camaraderie of knowing that many high-functioning anxious women have felt terrified and out of control before their weddings and survived to tell the tale. You are not weird because you are experiencing these feelings, instead of the feelings of elation that our society tells us we should experience before our weddings. You don’t need to feel guilty because you feel more worried than happy about the idea of walking down the aisle next week or next month. Life transitions are hard. Don’t beat yourself up just because you’re finding this transition particularly difficult. It’s one of the biggest transitions possible, after all.

2. Listen to and process your feelings to make sure they are not signaling red flags.

Sometimes stuffing feelings is easier than processing them. We feel as if ignoring our terror will make it go away. But perhaps your feelings of anxiety are signaling that your relationship has some red flags that should be analyzed and explored before marriage occurs. Many times our intuition is telling us very important things that we should pay attention to. For instance, perhaps our fear of marriage is hinting that we aren’t sure the man we are marrying is the right guy. Maybe the anxiety is telling us we are rushing into marriage just to meet societal or even familial expectations. Or maybe our forebodings are resulting from subtle patterns of verbal or emotional abuse that we’ve been trying to ignore in our relationship, instead of addressing and deciding if the relationship is healthy for us to remain in. Take a minute to make sure your fears aren’t warning you against making a drastic mistake.

3. Feeling anxious and frazzled doesn’t mean you are losing control.

One of the most horrible parts of my anxiety before my wedding was the feeling that I was going to lose control. My anxiety, apprehension and dread were so great sometimes that it felt like too much; like I was going to go lose control of my emotions. But, I survived, and so can you. All those feelings aren’t reality. In the end, they are just feelings. As long as you’ve already checked for red flags, you can find comfort in the fact that feelings come and go, but don’t reflect who you are nor what you can or cannot do unless you let them. You are stronger and more resilient than you know. Anxious feelings are anything but pleasant, but they don’t have to define you or make your choices for you. You can rise above the feelings and choose what you want and need, whatever that looks like. Yes, you’re feeling anxious, but no, that doesn’t make you weak or mean that you can’t make it through.

4. Reach out for support from those around you.

Now I’m not suggesting we all go “bridezilla” on our family and friends. But having the support and understanding of those we love can help immensely, whether that is a mentor, a friend, or a sibling. Even more, don’t feel afraid to see a psychologist, counselor, or other professional about your feelings. This is a big life transition. You deserve to get the support, sympathy, and help you feel you need. It doesn’t matter if your older sister or mother were perfectly composed and calm at her wedding (chances are that’s a lie). Chances are you can find a lot of women who felt the same way. Each of us is a unique individual with unique feelings, fears, and issues that we have to deal with. There is no shame in admitting that we need help or support, professional, relational, or medicinal. We are here on earth to lift each other up and support each other, after all.

5. Research and discover new ways to adjust and regulate emotions.

We each have probably tried different ways we deal with our anxiety, such as our go-to medication. If that’s what it takes for you to feel more comfortable and less anxious, that’s great. However, chances are a big life transition may require new additional coping mechanisms. Read books, join support groups, find forums that give you the power to healthfully deal with this life change. While that is a discussion meriting a whole additional article, here are a few suggestions that helped me.

• Journal: write about how you are feeling, even if it is just scribbles or repeated words.
• De-stress: make time to do fun, healthy things other than wedding planning.
• Exercise: working out can help let off some stress.
• Treat: do something extravagant that you’ve been wanting to do for a long time, like get a massage.
• Doctor: go to your doctor and see if he or she thinks that a hormonal imbalance or vitamin deficiency might be aggravating your anxiety.
  • Vitamin D – helps lift mood
  • Vitamin B – helps relieve anxiety
  • Calcium Magnesium – raises serotonin levels and relaxes the body and mind and is depleted when you are under stress
  • Natural Progesterone cream – balances the emotions and helps regulate mood
• Aromatherapy – using lilac or chamomile lotions or sprays can sometimes help calm the nerves.
• Fast – media, movies, and even music can cause spikes in adrenaline and can cause additional stress, at times. Consider limiting your usage or sticking to happy, relaxing material until the stress abates.
• Food – consider avoiding fatty, sugary,and otherwise unhealthy foods, but don’t be opposed to a treat every now and then.  You don’t need the additional stress of a cold or stomach ache from eating unhealthfully or the guilt of binge eating.

These are just a few suggestions that I have found helpful, but of course every individual is different. Always contact your doctor before trying a new treatment or supplement. Every person’s body and mind are different, so what worked for me may not be the key to success for you.  In any case, I hope that you can find these suggestions to be helpful.

But, most importantly, know that you are not alone. You are stronger than you think. You are precious enough to take good care of your mental and physical well-being. You will make it through the stress and drama and become stronger because of it. You’re going to be a beautiful bride.

Congratulations!

– A Fellow Anxious Bride