I Embrace Being Autistic, But Sometimes I Also Hate It

Sometimes I hate being autistic. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want a cure, and I am not looking for one. But sometimes I really hate being autistic. Most of the time I embrace my autism, I use it to my advantage to do amazing things.

Everyone has bad days. However, because of my autism my bad days are greater in number to most, and a lot of my bad days are due to my autism. I was bullied because of my autism; it made my childhood a nightmare. I missed out on being a child because instead of having fun, I was just trying to survive in a world that was trying so hard to change me, to ignore me and to use me as their own personal punching bag. I know I am more than that, but I sometimes feel other people would see me more if I wasn’t autistic. Sometimes I feel autism defines me, but not in the way I want it to.

Now I am at university I’m not bullied, but I still hate being autistic sometimes. I get so anxious talking to people because what if I say something wrong, what if I do something wrong? Are these people really my friends, or is this person trying to take advantage of me? So many thoughts run through my head that I get overwhelmed by anxiety. I wish I could make it go away. I wish my autism didn’t cause this.

So yes, sometimes I hate being autistic, and I am sure there are others who feel the same way — others who embrace their autism, and wouldn’t change it for the world, but sometimes really hate it. However I feel like we can’t speak out, because the autism community shuts us down. They say we have to accept our autism. But this is me speaking out; this is me telling you that you can both accept your autism and hate it. It’s important we don’t paint autism as this amazing thing by not talking about the bad things; we must talk about them. Otherwise we leave people feeling alone in their thoughts. You are not alone. There are other people who have felt this way.

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Getty image by Dmitrii Kotin.