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Tonight, I Gave In to the Tears

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Tonight I gave in. I caved to the tears. You see, I’m not really a crier. It takes a lot to get me to that place. But tonight was the night the tears came, and when they came, they just wouldn’t stop.

Maybe it’s from the past several weeks having been a behavioral roller coaster when we’d been on such a good roll. Maybe it’s from cleaning up the same mess again and again. Maybe it’s from being “on” 100 percent of the time. Maybe it’s because every single night is a Russian roulette with whether or not either of us get a full-night’s sleep. Maybe it’s from fixing the same thing for dinner over and over because he refuses to eat anything else. Maybe it’s the uncertainty of what the future holds. Maybe it’s because everything that comes so easy for everyone else comes so damn hard for us, if even at all. Maybe it’s because almost everywhere we go, people stare, and my guard is always up.  Maybe it’s from feeling like no one understands, like no one “gets it.” Maybe it’s from feeling so alone in it all. Maybe I finally broke from the weight of it all.

Normally my blogs are positive; I do tend to always look at the brighter side of things. Tonight was not that night. Call it a pity-party if you want, but tonight was a night where it hurt to breathe. Tonight was a night where “super mom” was a human. And this human felt beat, alone, sad and far from “super.”

It’s rained all week in the town I live in. Ironically, I read a quote recently that said, “Even the worst thunderstorms eventually run out of rain.” So if I were to wrap this up with even a grain of positivity, here it is… 

Even the worst thunderstorms eventually run out of rain.

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Originally published: March 13, 2015
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