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The Pieces of Autism I Hid From the World

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Chameleon woman – I’ve been doing it since puberty. Logically the next evolution for a “parrot child” is a chameleon – right?

When many of us were younger, it was thought autism was only found in boys — a gender stereotype that is still hurting us today. Some of us are missed completely or misdiagnosed with other conditions. Some go to the grave without knowing they are Autistic.

A few of us are lucky and eventually figure it out. When we discover the truth, it is as if a light bulb has gone off. Growing up, we felt alien but did not know why. Most days I thought everyone around me was “crazy” – having no idea how different our perspectives were.

Society teaches you to be a lady, have manners and be polite. Flailing about is very unbecoming of a young girl. We learn to hold things in. We read books and create art. We collect pretty things in our rooms, locking away our feelings.

Social pressure is huge on young women. Society expects you to be a certain way.

Over the years I’ve learned to fake it, but learning to play “normal” has taken years of practice, constant trial and error. It is still a character that tires me out and requires a lot of work.

Girls are pressured from a very young age, and perhaps “boys will be boys” could be one reason Autism is often more obvious in males than in females.

I was a tomboy, and I believe my autism was obvious until I hit puberty and became more aware of the ways I differed from my peers. At that point, I made a conscious decision to study my peers and fit in. It was a bit like a science experiment. The more I worked on this project, the less I felt like myself. But for the first time in my life, nobody was bullying me. I was happy to feel safe and kept up the act through high school.

After years of being fake, it was hard to even know who I was anymore. I felt ugly and dirty. It’s hard to explain, but just thinking about how fake I was (years ago) makes my face pucker. I don’t like that person and I pity her.

I’ve recovered from that, but diagnosis was a major part of my recovery. It explained so much. There were always little things I’d never listed, but if I did they would all say – autism. All the pieces of me that I hid from the world, the strange things – autism.

Chameleon woman. Invisible Autism. Anonymously Autistic. Nobody sees me struggling.

#SheCantBeAutistic #InvisibleAutism #ActuallyAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #AutisticWomen

Follow this journey on Anonymously Autistic.

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Originally published: February 15, 2017
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