Autismbrain

#Autism #different

At 33 years of age, on the spectrum, I finally feel I will be able explain, in a way that makes sense of course, what the brain of a person with Autism thinks/feels like.

Yes, specific to me, but I'm sure many autists can relate. Why does my brain function/think the way it does? Is there something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with society? **for lack of better words, I am going to use 'you' and 'society' as the two words to separate a-typicals (you) and neurotypicals (society).** Let's be honest. Nothing is actually wrong with anyone. We all have our own perception of reality & that's really what this comes down to. However, I do believe that society causes their own drama, their own pain, their own suffering. Autistic people have to live in this world, functioning with society because majority rules, the way they(autists) choose to live in order to 'fit in'. This is why we (autists) are asked to conform. This is why we are asked to take social skills classes, etc. But why? Because we are honest/forthcoming & candid (as society would call it)? Because we have a different way of processing things functionally that makes sense to us? Regardless of whether structure is an important part of our life. So what?Because when we choose to do it our way, we are either wrong or are insulting your intelligence somehow because we are asking questions to understand. Most autists are "why people". We seek to understand, simply for the knowledge. Questions don't mean combativeness, it means seeking to understand.

_________________________

Stop, take a step back & refer to my original statement: 'Society causes their own pain, their own drama, etc.' The best way for me to describe what I mean is to put this into a theoretical of drinking.

We all, autistic people too, live in a world where everyone is drunk. Everyone knows what it is like to be drunk. It feels good, we are stumbling, slurring our words, and we can all communicate with one another because we ALL speak the same language. We are all on the same 'playing field' so to speak. Sure, some drunks might be aggressive, some might be a little obnoxious and funny, and you know... you always have the ones who are overly emotional. They may not all get along but overall, everyone understands one another because they are drunk, right?

One day, the autistic person decides not to drink anymore. You sober up, you feel good. You feel things you have not felt in a long time. (This is because you had learned to conform & therfore you were drunk, but being sober, you are back to your authentic self). You have lived so long being drunk, you almost forgot what it was like to live sober. Masking & meeting the need of society for so long you forget who you are at your core and it exerts a lot of time and energy, it takes days to recover sometimes, just like a bad hangover. We see how wonderful life really is, and see things clearly.

Now, the autistic person is excited to let everyone know who they really are and also wants everyone else to stop drinking. Maybe they will become their true selves too. This doesn't mean they are autistic but just their true selves. We all accept one another if we are all drunk or all sober. (Speaking the same language). So, you try to tell the others to stop. When we do, this comes across to society as odd, indifferent and they do not like it. We are ruining the party. (This is equivalent to disrupting the social norms of life when autistic people ask for accommodations, or when we communicate in a way that seems 'odd or indifferent' to a neurotypical). You try to explain that some people drink and some don't and that's ok, but it's more clear on the sober side (it's a brain of more openness and accepting of others, where you aren't creating your own dramas and suffering). Society then chooses to shun you because you are no longer 'fun', or speaking their language, not the life of the party. You are the sober guy at the drunk party and aren't making any sense. This is equivalent to society saying 'You either take social skills classes and conform if you aren't gonna drink and "pretend you like being drunk", or you conform and get drunk and act like us because majority rules."

So, what do you do? You feel you have no choice but to sympathize with them (society). Truth is, you used to be drunk at one point in your life, so it's easier for you to relate and conform to their way of life than to expect society to ever understand your sober way of living. But can you really be upset at them? It's not societies fault they don't understand. They know no different. Will they ever become sober? Will they ever accept us? Will they even try? Everyone else is drunk, so why bother?.... majority rules! Conform or mask.

I hope this has somewhat helped. Don't get to bogged down into the details of drunk and sober. It's a metaphor and I'm not indicating neurotypicals are drunk people and don't get things. It's simply nothing less than exactly what I stated (oh the irony)....#Autismbrain #autismconform

There are some things that can be easily explained. There are some things that are just so complex that others can't seem to fathom the idea at all.
Then, there is my brain!Why my brain can't seem to match words & facial expressions appropriately, I don't know...

Most people would make logical sense of this.
If you are angry, speak angrily and say something hurtful & mean, right?

If you are sad, maybe pout your face or put your head down, maybe even cry or soften your voice & then state something traumatic.

Etc..... RIGHT???

Now let's play another scenario:

What happens if someone is talking with you about something (doesn't really matter what it is) & it is obvious you aren't seeing eye to eye on the subject. So, you are done talking about it.
You say "I just don't want to talk anymore. I'm done."
At this point. The words you just spoke shouldn't matter.... unless the tone is angry or upset in nature. Then you have to look at the person's face right? That would then indefinitely give you the clues to their true feelings... right? Most would say yes, right!!
For me... WRONG!

I personally believe that REGARDLESS of someone's facial expression or their tone of voice, their word is what matters. Why were we taught to read additional clues?

I am the person in this story who says "I'm done" & to give more information... my tone is forward, to the point, a bit harsh (as if I was mad). Naturally someone would assume I was angry about the conversation.
But why can they not just hear my words? I am not angry. I am just done with the conversation. I did not mean anything by it. My brain does not operate the way theirs does, therefore I did not stop to think that I should calmly respond that I would "no longer like to continue the conversation", & ensure I did not offend them. I just said it.

Here are my questions...

1. Why do I have to re think all the things I do for others before I do them? Not just words, actions too?

2. How do I even know that what I considered to be appropriate for someone else actually is appropriate according to them when I don't think like they do? Sure, I generally know the social norm, but it doesn't mean it still isn't foreign and dumb to me. I am still likely to mess up.

3. Why is it that it has to be their way? Why can they not just hear my words?

Why does society say
"Listen to their words,
**(Don't take their words for truth yet).....
**NOW look at their face.... what does their face look like???
**(DONT judge it on that either, we need the last piece of information before we make our judgment call).....
**What was the tone like??

***(NOW hit them where it hurts?!***

Why can you just take their word for face value and screw everything else? And why is it that I am 'in trouble' for having to exert all that extra brain power & energy to make it understandable in your mind???

This is exhausting for an Autism brain & why I feel like a total alien in this world!!! I just don't get it!!

#Autismbrain

- Armyofone