avolition

Depressed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I've got this deep sadness and fatigue. I've been laying in bed for 2 months. I only leave my apartment to go to doctors appointments. I had a friend over on Wednesday and for only the second time in 2 months I actually sat on my couch. He wanted to watch a movie so I put on Red Notice because I love Ryan Reynolds but I hated the movie. I had to fake my laughter when I thought I was supposed to laugh. My friend asked if I was ok and I said yeah but that's because earlier in the night he said being friends with me requires too many spoons. That made me feel like a burden. I try to be a good person and I'm supportive of the people I care about but I'm so alone with my thoughts. I've been having suicidal thoughts since he said that... Like gosh, my friends would be happy if I was gone. I know it's not true but I can't stop thinking about it. The depression stems from the chronic pain I experience every day. It's exhausting to constantly be in pain. I have to push myself to eat, shower, put on clothes... I am not functioning properly. Every day is a struggle.
But my mom is the worst of it. She keeps saying that I need a hobby or I'd feel better if I watch TV. I try to explain to her that hobbies when I'm depressed are like marathon races uphill when I have the flu. She doesn't get it at all. She thinks I'm being lazy. I don't respond to humorous things the right way either. I've got blunted affect horribly from my meds. So tv just doesn't appeal to me.
I sometimes put on music but that eventually just bothers me so I turn it off and lay in bed crying or talking to friends who don't live in my state. I don't have local friends to get together with more than maybe once per month if I'm lucky. And I don't have transportation to go anywhere on my own. I find myself fantasizing about going to get bubble tea and reading books at coffee shops often. That's what I used to do when I had a car. I miss that.
I started trulicity a week and a half ago. It's killed my appetite. I don't want to eat anything, not even my favorite comfort food or tea. I force myself to eat one meal per day so I don't get sick at least. But then I end up nauseous and uncomfortable. I've already lost 3lbs since I started taking it. I'm glad that I lost weight but it's not such a great way to do it.
I haven't told my therapist how bad it is right now. He knows I'm depressed but I haven't told him about the dark thoughts yet. I'm worried he will call to have me hospitalized for psych. It won't help because it's all about the pain I'm experiencing and a psych admit won't fix that.
I feel so alone and lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm on autopilot. I'm behind on washing dishes, my bedroom is a wreck with dirty dishes and used tissues piled up and trash on the floor. I've got empty cardboard boxes piled up in my room and kitchen that I need to break down at some point... But not today. Today I'm going to try to wash dishes. If I can get even one done I'll be happy at least I think maybe...
#Depression #ChronicPain #avolition #CheckInWithMe