I just don’t know #MentalHealth #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Depression #CheckInWithMe
Ok so I honestly don’t know how to feel at the moment. I just feel as if my only friend is purposefully distancing himself from me. I feel all alone right now and I know better than depending on other people and materialistic things to be the source of my happiness. But I find myself doing that very thing. I’m depressed because I was actually hoping Scotty was gonna want to hangout with me tonight since he’s off work and so am I. Right now my living situation is unfavorable because of separation from my wife I was forced to move in with my sister and her family. I’m currently sleeping in my nephews room. And I was told not to sleep all day so he can play in his room. Don’t get me wrong I totally understand but this is exactly why I want my own space. I have to deal with anxiety every single night. I love my family but I desperately want my own place. I know that in the event that I get my own place that’s going to be a whole different set of problems and challenges. Because I’ve never technically lived literally alone I’m 38 and have been married for a vast majority of my lifetime. When my first marriage ended after over a decade I had to move out of my house and back into my moms then I met someone else and we lived own our own. Now that this marriage is over as well I once again was forced out of the house and had to move in with my sister. So yeah when the time comes and I do get my own place I’m gonna be even more anxious 😬 about being alone in the house by myself. So right now I’m super depressed and anxious because I wanted to hang out with Scotty get out the house for a while and distract myself. I sat up till 4am talking to someone this morning and it was awesome. I’m literally sitting 🪑 in the living room with my sister and nephew and I feel totally alone. I am a Christian and the Bible says that true happiness can only be found in Christ Jesus. I honestly believe that wholeheartedly. But yet I’m just a big old fat failure 😞. I know not to depend on others or stuff as a source of happiness,but I’m to stupid to know how to stop doing that. These intrusive thoughts are constant and are happening as I type this post. I don’t like the position I’m in and I am finding it hard to focus on Jesus Christ right now because I want things to get better ❤️🩹 RIGHT NOW!! Not later I know that’s childish and immature to feel that way about it. I honestly try to sit back and think even if God gave you the vehicle 🚗 you want and your own apartment/house and filled it full of furniture and stuff,would you really truly be happy 😃 or would the shiny distraction become dull and you sink back into loneliness and depression anyway. Would you have that stuff and be happy or have it and still be miserable. 😭 I think I know the answer to that very question 🙋♂️ perhaps I think we all know what the answer would be. But where I struggle is with how to accept everything that’s happening and has happened and make the best of it and focus on Jesus Christ and let him heal me from the inside out. And focus on Him and not with what I don’t have. It’s like I don’t want to be alone because I’m used to being with someone and now I’m not this uncomfortable 😣 for me. My sister keeps telling me that I don’t need to try and be a relationship with anyone right now and I need to focus on myself. I know she’s right but I’m in emotional and psychological distress right now. Man I just wish I could be in heaven with my son my dad and my savior right now. At least then I won’t have to hurt 😞 anymore.