The people who write about PTSD treatment, the therapists and self help people, you know the ones... they all talk about the time before the trauma and getting back to who you used to be. What if there was no before? What if the trauma started the minute you were born? Who are you supposed to become, then?
I don’t know. It feels important though. I had what was probably the most intense therapy session of my life yesterday. It was a Somatic Experiencing session with my new SE therapist and it was only my fifth session. For those of you that don’t know, SE is a form of trauma therapy that you barely talk about trauma and instead that to be in your body with the therapist’s guidance and you talk about whatever comes up. I don’t know. A lot of stuff came up for me and I am having body memories just thinking about the session. In the terms my sister uses with her kids about feelings, I feel big sad, bigger mad. I also feel completely unable to explain what is happening in my head. It’s like the cognitive/language part is switched off and the emotional part is switched on until I randomly and for no reason dissociate. I’m glad I have a regular therapy session today. I swear i need therapy to process therapy sometimes. I really need someone to say something but I equally feel like I’m just whining about stupid stuff. Big mad. Big sad. In my head my psychologically abusive therapist from my 20s and early 30s is saying, “your feelings aren’t real your tears aren’t real, you are addicted to symptoms and you’re making it all up.” It’s no surprise that since him my CPTSD got a whole new layer of complex. Self harm...I’m still clean. My clean date is still January 30, 2018. But sometimes it feels like relapse is inevitable. Self harm and anorexia/bulimia were my coping strategies for such a long time. Human-ing is hard.
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