When You're Stable and Miss the Creativity That Comes With Bipolar Hypomania

One thing that is difficult about bipolar disorder is finding the balance between being stable and being true to myself. I know when I’m a little edgy or on the fence of hypomania, I can be the most creative, happy, upbeat and fun-loving person. I have the same energy and happiness you feel on the first sunny day after a long winter… or when you pass a final exam of your degree… or when you get a new puppy. This happiness and energy that is very hard to find naturally. I just feel so damn good! I can see why there are so many people with bipolar who refuse to take their medications because of this natural, wonderful high. It can actually be addicting.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

I also have a sense of creativity that I can’t seem to find when I’m stable. When I’m feeling “up” is when I find the words to put into my blog. It’s where I truly connect with myself and can paint the world with my deepest challenges. It’s where I can see my life’s colors with a different, refreshing perspective. It’s where I reflect on my life and find a way to put my struggles into words.

I remember I went off medications once when I was 19, thinking that I could manage this illness on my own. My psychiatrist just looked at me with a smile and said “I’ll be here when you need me.” Not “if,” but “when.” He knew that I’d be back in his office begging to be back on medication, and he was right! Not even a year into being “natural,” I had one of the biggest, debilitating episodes of my life. It was extremely difficult finding stability when I had to start from scratch. I knew from then on that I can never go off medication.

If I was to go off medications again, it would probably be the most irresponsible thing I could do to myself and everyone in my life. It would be unfair to my work, knowing that I am this bomb that could go off at any minute. It would be unfair to my family knowing they are the ones who would have to take care of me when I get sick. Most of all, it would be irresponsible to myself, knowing that I consciously made the decision to put my life at risk. I was the one to chose to get sick by stopping my medication.

So I am working on a new goal. I am going to consciously try my hardest to find this creativity that is missing in my life. I am going to dig deep and find the words I am missing. I am going to find that sunny day energy and hold onto it. I am not going to let these medications get in my way of being truly me. I will need to work hard and really connect with my inner self and find that edge that I can only find when I’m sick. I know I can do it. I mean, I’ve written this whole post while stable… so I know it’s in there.