The Mighty Logo

When Bipolar Disorder Tells Me 'Maybe Tomorrow'

The most helpful emails in health
Browse our free newsletters

The sun has risen and the children are laughing in the distance. I can feel my husband rise and within moments I can smell the brewing of coffee; that means it’s time for my day to start.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

I can’t move.

It seems to be the simplest thing, right? It isn’t though; it’s debilitating. There is a fear to jump out into the world, a resistance from my body’s lack of energy and my mind’s refusal to acknowledge all that needs to be done. I know I will be a disappointment and the looks of dissatisfaction will only confirm my need to hide further within myself. If I could be a turtle, I would hide in my shell until all have disappeared. I can hear the clink of the dishes that need washing, the silent whispers of socks that haven’t been cleaned and feel the disapproval of the time I have managed to squander. I have spent the past few days saying the same exact thing.

“Maybe tomorrow.”

There is no real reason or explanation I can muster. I simply hide further in the sheets, knowing they provide a blanket of comfort. My bed allows for me to sleep and not feel, see or hear. The soft feel of my comforter holds me down and allows me to stay. I know I can’t or won’t manage a thing today. Sweet words and loving kisses will not change me. I have locked up and lost myself within the shadows of my mind as depression consumes me. What happened? I was so energized and optimistic just the other day. I was proactive and almost perfect. That woman seems far away from where I lie now.

I know the world means well but I wish they understood. I wish they didn’t take it personally when I reject their calls. I wish they accepted my unwillingness to answer the door. I wish they all could see that it isn’t me; that I truly want to be all they expect of me.

But, “maybe tomorrow.”

I am drowning in myself and the only one who can save me is, unfortunately, me. I will though, as I have time and time again. I will eventually rise, with my knotted hair, my 3-day worn pajamas and a frazzled look on my face. I will force myself to move. With every step, as a million pounds of bricks weigh me down. I will still trudge through and try. I will try to do all I need to.

Today though, I’m perfectly delighted to hide and that is where I will remain for today. So I whisper softly to myself:

“Maybe tomorrow.”

Thinkstock photo via pyotr021

Originally published: June 27, 2017
Want more of The Mighty?
You can find even more stories on our Home page. There, you’ll also find thoughts and questions by our community.
Take Me Home