Why I Wear My Bipolar Like a Badge of Honor
I’m allowing my bipolar to be a badge of honor.
I know at this moment you are going, “‘Crazy’ lady say what?”
• What is Bipolar disorder?
But the truth is I am the strongest person I know. Bipolar is horrible, but I fought back and became stronger. This horrible, painful disease made me fight. I fight to fall asleep every night when insomnia hits. I fight to wake up to go to work when my body is frail and wasted from not going enough rest. I fight to smile and control all emotions so no one will see my anger, my anxiety, my overwhelming joy or whatever bipolar threw my way that day. I fight the fatigue that drains my body throughout the day.
I fight not go near or become dependent on shopping, alcohol, food, drugs or whatever I think I need to ease my pain at the end of the day. I fight to be productive even when I feel like I’m more tired than everyone. Because I never compare myself to them. As I lay my head back on my pillow, I fight the urge not to think about tomorrow.
So yes, bipolar is a badge of pride. I am a fighter, and no one can take that away from me.
I’m a child sculpted out of mania, rage, tears and joy. I’m a child formed out of bipolar. When I was tired, bipolar taught me to keep going. When I had 50 emotions, bipolar taught me self-control. I worked harder than the day before because I never knew when I was going to feel OK again. Through the pain, I became the strongest person I know.
I was born in the mountain regions of Cuba. I came to the United States when I was 9 years old. By the time I was 11, my bipolar started to manifest itself. I tried killing myself, I had fits of anger I could not explain. By the time I was 15, I finally went to the doctor. I sat there in that tiny office scared and nervous, I remember when she asked question after question. My head was spinning, but finally I had an answer — bipolar. The medicines didn’t help, it was a blur until I was 19. I got married and another two years of what I call the blur went by. Finally I found a doctor who gave me some peace. I was now only taking three pills a day my mind was clear. I got a job and life began again. Now past 30 and finally I found peace. Yes, have moments of pain and chaos. But I refuse to ever go back. I’m divorced,happy,and dating. It’s my life now not the life controlled by bipolar, but bipolar under my control.
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