How I Persevered When Mental Illness Made Me Feel Unworthy of Love

Dear mental illnesses,

You almost took my life. Several times. I wanted to leave this world because of you, Depression. You, Bipolar Disorder, caused my moods to shift so violently that I’d be happy and on top of the world in the morning and suicidal by night.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

You made me feel like I couldn’t handle you. Your control made me to believe I was a piece of trash, unworthy of love and happiness. I believed you for a long time — too long.

Borderline Personality Disorder, you were such a horrible nemesis that, for so long, I didn’t even want to admit that I had you. I hated you and what you made me feel and do. You created so much anger in me. You made me feel worthless, fearful, hopeless, dangerous and suicidal. I was out of control and loud, and I didn’t want to listen to anyone or try to do well. I couldn’t.

Anxiety, you told me I would never be happy with another woman. You’d wake me up in a panic nearly every morning with thoughts of wanting to kill myself because of who I am. You screamed at me that God would never love me if I loved my soulmate. I couldn’t eat. I felt nauseous and sick because of you overwhelming my thoughts and body with your lies.

But when I met her, my whole life changed.

She loves me like no one else ever has or ever could. Thanks to her love and the help of the people I let into my life, I am no longer just surviving — I am thriving.

You all still linger, and I will always have to keep you at bay and remember to take care of myself, but I am handling all of you far better than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned that love truly does conquer all. I’ve learned that you will not defeat me. You will no longer tell me I’m unworthy or hopeless.

I know now that I can have hope. I do have hope. I’m living well with all of you! I’m happy and healthy now, and I will do whatever I need to do to make sure you’re out of my life for good. I will win!

Sincerely not yours,

Megan

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