What My Rock Bottom With Bipolar Disorder Feels Like

Today was a tough day for me. I started out OK, but then gradually I started to spiral downhill. The thing with anxiety and bipolar disorder is you don’t always know how your day is gonna go, even if you are determined to make it the best day of your life. The problem is, once you start to break down, it’s not always so easy to come back up. If I’m not careful and diligent about staying afloat, I will sink fast and hard.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

Today, for the first time in a very long time, I hit rock bottom. I don’t even know why, thinking back on it now, but I know it was so very real and validated at the time. One minute I’m eating breakfast with my husband. The next thing I know, I’m standing in my upstairs bedroom trying to figure out how to use what I have to die by suicide. I have always had suicidal ideation. A few times I would admit I have tried something to take my own life, but I have never gotten so far as I did that day, actually trying to end my life.

The attempts I made before were, admittedly, just a begging for a release. More for the pain (if that makes sense) rather than to actually end my life. Today, however, I was pissed when I couldn’t actually do it. It wasn’t a dramatic scene, there wasn’t chaos, or anyone screaming and begging me stop. There was just me, and my thoughts, in a small closet with determination in my mind to really do it this time. My thoughts were chaotic though, racing around about being a failure as a wife and mom, how they deserve better, and how much better their lives would be without me present.

Thoughts of how much pressure I put on my husband, without even knowing it, and being the burden I feel I am. I started to tell myself I am replaceable. My job will find someone else to replace me, my husband could eventually find a more beautiful woman who can balance all areas of life with so much grace and appreciation. Someone less selfish and not up and down with this emotion or that emotion, or hell, all emotions at once! She can be the type of woman who takes another man’s child under her wing and raises them as her own. Therefore, replacing me as a mother who isn’t good enough most days. I am a very cuddly and loving mother, but sometimes I need to escape and ignore. I also am not the type of mom who can come home and cook and clean for the family. I don’t know if that makes me lazy, or weak, or ill … but I don’t like not being good enough. It’s unfair to them. They deserve better.

I tried to stop myself from breathing four times. Four miserable times I watched my face turn blood red and my ears start ringing, feeling my pulse through my neck, eyes and temples. Watching the room fade away around me and the noises in the background go silent … and then I just stop. It’s not like my thoughts are telling me to stop. If anything, I’m cheering myself on in those last “I’m almost there” moments. But then my body takes over and makes me stop against my own will.

I hid this from my husband, I didn’t want him to know. He doesn’t need the extra stress in his life right now. Watching me cry and not understanding why or how to fix it is torture enough for him, right? But somehow, and I swear I don’t know how he does it, but somehow he pulled me back up. He stepped in the shower I had escaped to so he could hold me while I cried. Later, he squeezed himself into the recliner I was sinking into just so he could force me to talk to him. He knows exactly what it takes to make me feel better, after 10 years of practice I suppose. Having him as my support system is the best thing for me. He probably has no idea how far I would have gone if it weren’t for him and my daughter. Oddly, I would be ending my life for their sake, while also not wanting to end my life for their sake. It’s a weird place to fall into, but if you’ve been there, you’ll understand.

At the end of the day, I feel better. I know my rock bottom could have been so much worse, and others who’ve hit their rock bottom have actually ended up in the hospital. Then there are those who never made it out. My husband tells me when I get to that point, I go into my own little world where everything is different and worse than it is in reality. I never thought of it that way, but now I can totally see how that makes sense.

Thank goodness I have a support system to pull me back out of that dark, dark world when I need it. I wish everyone struggling with mental illnesses had the same. One day, this will happen when the world accepts mental illnesses for what they are. Someday, everyone will find their certain someone who pulls them back when they need it. Someday!