Why I'm Going to Tell My Psychiatrist I'm on the Wrong Medication

Editor’s note: Please see a doctor before starting or stopping a medication.

I wanted so badly to just give up that night. I called my dad and ended up in tears over the phone. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to throw away my medication. Suddenly, I found myself agreeing with everyone who had told me I didn’t need them. Suddenly, I was desperate.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

What caused this panic? The realization my new antipsychotics weren’t working.

I’m fairly new to the struggle of finding the right medications. I’ve been without a working antidepressant for a while. I’ve finally found an ADD medication that helps me think clearly. But that night, I wanted to give it up. It had gotten too heavy to bear on my own.

The first week I was on my antipsychotic medication, I felt on top of the world. I cleaned my apartment, I did all my laundry, I was happy, I was myself again! And then, it leveled out and I got used to it. Since then, I have been in this constant state of being emotionless. The only time I feel anything is when I’m with someone.

I no longer enjoy my writing. I don’t enjoy my coffee. I don’t enjoy a damn thing. I’ve become afraid of having to go back to bed at the end of the day. I get so exhausted I shut off at 8 p.m. But then I lay in bed for hours awake. And then, after finally falling asleep, I’m half-awake again. I haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep in a month. I’m miserable.

The mornings, they’re just the worst. I lay in bed for hours trying to go back to sleep. I don’t want to get up. I used to love mornings more than any other part of the day, but not anymore. I don’t want to get up. I feel like I’ve lost the point to all of this. I’ve forgotten the meaning of my life. All because I was on the wrong medication.

I’m going to move my psychiatrist appointment to be two weeks early. I’m going to tell her what’s happening, ask if there’s a different medication I can try or if I should stop taking them all together. I refuse to be a zombie just to make sure my bipolar II doesn’t act up. I feel more suicidal when I’m numb than I ever have while going through a depressive episode.

I’m meant to feel, to be happy, to enjoy life’s ups and downs. I’m not meant to stay “stable” on a flat line of nothingness. This isn’t me. And I refuse to stay here.

I encourage everyone to have an open and honest conversation with your doctors. Let them know how your medication is affecting you. Be strong and find the right path. You deserve it.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

Thinkstock photo via Creatas Images.