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I Have Borderline Personality Disorder, and That's OK

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I have been so hesitant to talk about this.

The doctor said I had some, but not all of the characteristics of borderline personality disorder (BPD). However, I realize that just because I only have some of symptoms doesn’t mean I don’t have it. I think the same goes with a physical illness — if you have a few symptoms, but not all of them, it doesn’t mean you don’t have the diagnosis.

I’ve never told any of my friends about this. Mainly because most of the time when people hear the words borderline and personality next to the word disorder, it scares them. It can create an assumption that you’re vindictive or have ulterior motives and other personalities, which isn’t true.

If I could make an accurate name for borderline personality disorder, I would call it “emotionally hurt syndrome.” My therapist mentioned that borderline personality disorder is just “people who feel too much and have also been hurt a lot.”

I assume the worst — any tone, phrase, or look can make me have a bad day and make me think you hate me. I react in anger, not because I want to hurt you, but because I don’t understand your motives and it’s eternally frustrating. It’s not your fault, but I can’t let things go easily and I will always assume that you’re out to hurt me because my mind is just wired that way.

I have hurt so many people by mistaking motives and because of my “emotionally hurt syndrome.” The shame runs through my mind every single day. It’s a ruminating thought that you never feel like you’re good enough, and you look for ways to prove that through others phrases and actions.

It feels significant to me that the symbol for how people with borderline disorder think is black and white. There is no grey area because we might assume either something is good or something is bad and there is no in between. Part of the reason I’m so scared to speak my mind is because what if people have bad reactions, then I might assume I shouldn’t write anymore because everything I write is bad. I don’t talk in public because if I get an inkling that someone is judging me, I will be hurt for the rest of day and I can’t help it.

It’s important to remember that even though this disorder can define aspects of your life, it also makes you have the biggest heart. It makes you observant of what others are feeling and it makes the happy moments even happier. You feel too much, and it can be rewarding and hurtful all at the same time. You will have good days and you will have bad, but the good days are what matter — the good days are what keeps us going.

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Thinkstock photo via Ekaterina_Vitchenko

Originally published: November 7, 2017
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