What I Hear When You Say, 'I Love You,' as Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

I love hearing you tell me you love me, but every time you say it I also hear this voice in the back of my mind reminding me that one day you too will leave me.

It doesn’t matter what you say or do because I’ve already convinced myself I’m not good enough and one day you will realize it too.

This then turns into me blowing things out of proportion or picking and picking at you until you explode. I’ll tell you I hate you when in fact the truth is the complete opposite. I love you, I love you more than you could possibly know.

But I’m scared you are going to see the disappointment that I see.

My “mother” left me.

I grew up in a household where my feelings were invalid and irrelevant.

All I know is people leaving and not caring.

Why would you be any different?

The little things that most people wouldn’t care about, I explode over. When you can’t make it over, I think you’re tired of me because I’m bothering you and I’ve convinced myself that you hate me. I push and I push and I push just to see how much you are willing to tolerate because the more you are willing to put up with the more I push.

That’s until you don’t take it anymore and leave, and then I’ll tell myself that you never really loved me. Because in the end everyone always leaves. At least that’s what my borderline personality disorder tells me.

Can you relate? Let’s give Joanna support in the comments below.