Thoughts: A Poem on Borderline Personality Disorder

I don’t know why am I writing this,

I only need my feelings to let go.

My fingertips felt sleep

when my heart couldn’t resist the pain.

Am I real?

I’m agonizing.

I saw a movie last night and

it destroyed me,

the gift of having multiplied emotions.

Every word is like a knife in my neck

and my blood is a flood

in my chest.

I need shelter. I’m needy.

I can’t handle this roller coaster

alone.

I’m a leech, please don’t leave me,

I won’t.

But wait,

life is a candy!

And I’m the sweetest bubblegum,

watch me fly.

Everything is so soft,

and I’m full of life.

Nothing will

ruin me.

But wait.

Wait.

I hate you, I wanna throttle you

with my own hands.

No,

no.

What did I say?

I need you.

But wait,

wait,

I don’t even know what I’m saying,

is my pain even real?

Am I even real?

This feels like a movie

played on a DVD that you cannot pause.

All I need is some distraction

or something that makes me feel something

or something to punish me.

Blood,

fire in my throat,

whatever.

It’s alright — but wait.

It’s a matter of time,

maybe a minute

will revive me

or bury me.

I don’t believe in my beliefs,

I don’t know who I am,

who you are.

Am I sick? It can’t be possible.

I’m just “stupid.”

But wait,

wait.

Always waiting

for nothing,

for stability,

for shelter,

for another stumble.

It’s just a matter of time.

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Thinkstock photo via Archv