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Why Borderline Personality Disorder Makes Me Feel Like the Pokémon Ditto

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Ditto: a genderless Pokémon, whose only attack move is to “Transform” — to mimic other Pokémon and use the attacks that the target Pokémon is capable of. It is strongest when blending into its surroundings and being something else. Being itself, especially in battle, isn’t enough. It needs to be something else in order to survive.

This is how I feel when I try to find myself in the midst of my borderline personality disorder (BPD). A distorted sense of self is one of the most difficult symptoms I deal with on a regular basis. I don’t know who I am without someone else next to me. If someone wants to do something, I almost always let them choose because I don’t know what I want to do. When I do know what I want to do, I rarely say so because they might not want to do that and then they may decide I’m boring and change their mind.

So instead of being myself, I become as close to them as possible. I start saying phrases they say. If they have troubles with their husband, so do I. If they have to find a good job to support their family, so do I. If they have really bad anxiety, so do I. Even when I’m doing well on my own, I become a Ditto so I don’t lose a friend.

It is completely exhausting to be someone I’m not, but when I try to be me, I have no idea what to be. It’s a vicious cycle of self-hate. I am working on becoming me, with the support of my husband, but it is a journey to get there.

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Originally published: April 4, 2018
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