Behind the Control I Seek in My Relationship

I crave love and stability to an extent that it no longer becomes an emotional desire, but rather, an obsessive psychological and physiological demand. My body aches at even the idea of losing my partner. I want to protect him. I want to preserve the love I am so desperately dependent on.

Notice I said I am dependent on the love — not my partner. I am not dependent on him. I am dependent on being needed, wanted, loved — a dependence that developed far before I met him. His validation and love for me serve as the dysfunctional derivation of my self-worth. If he abandons me, if he rejects me, if he decides he can find someone better, what does that mean for me?

Who am I if I am not loved?

The twisted reality of this emotional processing is that by needing his love to validate my self-worth, I find myself trying to control him, consequently pushing him further and further away. I try to control the situation in a desperate attempt to preserve my sense of happiness. These controlling tendencies are not directly related to him but are more so maladaptive attempts to sooth, cope and respond to my overwhelming fear of abandonment.

I cannot control anyone other than myself. 

I cannot control the actions of others. Attempting to do so will only destroy the very relationship in which I am trying to protect. I must consciously reflect on these feelings and correct my maladaptive tendencies to control him by reminding myself my partner loves me. Instead of trying to control that love, I must allow it to simply exist within its own beauty, untouched by my fear. I must nurture this love through trust, communication, and freedom because not doing so will diminish the integrity of our love, ultimately tarnishing the essence of what it is meant to be.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”