Finding Healing in the 'Gray' of Borderline Personality Disorder

Sometimes I feel numb and it scares me. If I can’t feel an extreme, I don’t feel alive. I’m afraid of not feeling. I only know how to feel with everything I have or not at all. There’s no in-between.

I’ve spent enough time alone to determine that those moments of potential numbness are the areas that need to be recognized as the “gray” and that it’s OK to feel this way. It is easier to practice mindfulness in this state of mind.

I’ve been experiencing or rather recognizing the gray more often as of late. I think its always been there, but I refused to remain there due to my fear of “not feeling.” The desire to feel better has become greater than the need to just feel, and the fact I can make note of that makes me confident I can feel better. I ultimately do.

I seek therapy now in my adult life, though it has been a constant resource growing up. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) when I was young, after many misdiagnoses. As a child, I didn’t want things to be wrong with me, so I pretended there wasn’t and didn’t get the help I needed.

I am highly motivated to maintain the gray in my life, but because of my past, I feel I need help and reassurance that I am capable of this. I now hold the fear of losing the gray entirely in moments of reaction. I’ve managed well to remove significant amounts of negative triggers in my life, which is an excellent first step, but now management is the next step, along with believing I can and will get better as long as I apply myself.

I believe, as someone with BPD, that things got shifted when I grew up. It takes a while, but if we can recognize and claim our independence and identities away from the triggers that caused this disorder, we can spend the same amount of energy and passion we use to tear ourselves down on improving ourselves and we can instead do amazing things.

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Photo by John Salvino on Unsplash