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I Am More Than Just Borderline Personality Disorder

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I am a living, breathing human being.

I am a person, a person who feels emotions deeply.

I am a fighter: an overcomer. I face my borderline personality disorder day in and day out.

I am a Christian, and fighting a mental disorder doesn’t make me less of one.

I’m just trying to get myself through this thing called life, one day at a time.

I live with depression and anxiety.

Every morning I have to push myself out of bed. Some mornings harder than others. I cry myself to sleep, praying, “God, where are you?”

Fear has become my best friend. I live in fear of not being good enough. I live in fear that people will walk away. I ask this question every day: If people really knew me, the broken parts of me, would they still love me? Would they choose to still stick around?

“Angie I can’t be your friend anymore.” These words, they break me. These words are words I’ve heard so often, and yet I would rather hear these words and hurt and feel than for people to all of a sudden just stop talking to me, ignoring me as though I never existed.

I would rather feel the hurt of the words than be given the silent treatment, than to all of a sudden be treated as though I am not human.

What’s it like to live day by day with my disorders?

Let me tell you, it’s not easy, but it’s these disorders that make me want to help a world of people who are like me.

I know what it’s like to walk in the foot steps of someone with a mental disorder.

I know what it’s like to be treated like just another statistic.

Yet there is something beautiful about living with these mental illnesses. There is something beautiful about feeling emotions so deeply.

Because I live with BPD, I am able to love those around me so deeply, and I believe that is a beautiful thing.

And yes, there are times I hurt those closest to me, but that is when grace comes in and shows me there is beauty in the breakdown.

There is beauty in the person I was created to be, there is beauty in the person God intends for me to be. I am more than just my BPD, and that right there, is a beautiful thing.

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Thinkstock photo by AGL_Photography

Originally published: January 26, 2017
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