Why Starting a New Relationship Can Be Difficult When You Live With Borderline Personality Disorder
From personal experience, I know my borderline personality disorder (BPD) is at its worst when I’m romantically involved with someone. This knowledge quickly turned into one of my biggest fears after I managed to detach myself from my ex and move on. It turned into a fear because I was suddenly able to experience life without the constant burden of trying to save what was inevitably a doomed relationship. When my ex boyfriend and I were still together, I was at my all-time worst, emotionally and mentally. I was always consumed with worry about him cheating or lying or leaving or losing interest — the list goes on and on. This was my life for almost two years.
Then I finally got over him, and everything became that much easier. I could enjoy my life again. Unfortunately with the release of one weight, came the addition of another — I became petrified of attachment. The kind of pain my ex had put me through was nothing short of hell, and I went to great lengths to avoid a repeat of history. And then I met Jude.
I wish I could say that my fear of attachment went away as he and I grew closer, but it didn’t. Nor did the fear do anything to diminish my feelings for him. So I knew I was going to have to make a decision, and I did. I have officially entered into my second relationship.
Some days are really good, but some days can get really bad. Sometimes I avoid his texts for hours on end because I don’t trust myself enough to respond right away. And when I do respond, I come across cold and indifferent, when in reality that couldn’t be further from how I feel. I am constantly waiting for him to tell me he regrets getting involved with me and that I’m just too much for him to handle. I am utterly convinced that one day he will feel that way. I hate that I feel this way because he’s done absolutely nothing to indicate this is even remotely true.
Sometimes I talk to him about these things and sometimes I decide against it. It just doesn’t seem fair to constantly bother him about my insecurities. But at the same time, they’re not my insecurities. They’re the result of unfortunate circumstances that lead to me struggling to believe I could ever be loved. Relationships can be downright debilitating for borderlines like me, especially if they choose the wrong partner. But I would like to believe it’s not impossible for me to be happy with someone — for any of us to be happy and in love at the same time. We just have to learn to crawl before we take those first steps, and even then, only one at a time.
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Thinkstock photo via Grandfailure.