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What Waiting for a Text Is Like When You Have Borderline Personality Disorder

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My heart pounds. My hands shake. There is certainly a 100-pound weight on my chest, or at least that’s what it feels like. I sit in class, trying my best to pay attention to the professor’s lecture. I look at him, and I see his mouth move, but no words are coming out. I click on my phone underneath my desk. Nope, no text back yet. Many thoughts run through my head.

He hates me, of course.

He’s probably with his other friends.

He likes them better, anyway.

I look up at the professor again, remembering I am sitting in a classroom with 20 or so other students. For a few minutes, I forgot where I even was, let alone that there were other people in the room. I still can’t hear the professor’s voice, but suddenly it feels like everyone in the room multiplied and there are a thousand people sitting around me. I feel panicky and overwhelmed. All of my senses are heightened. Colors become brighter, and the chair feels much harder underneath me. I begin to feel panicky, and just want to sprint out of the room. My phone suddenly vibrates. I quickly whip it out. Nope, not him, just a stupid email.

I suddenly feel very angry. I start to shake even harder, my body heats up and my head feels like it’s about to explode. I’m panting like a dog who’s been sitting in the hot sun for hours. I feel the urge to scream, and it takes everything in me not to let it out.

Who is he not to answer me in an hour?

Screw him.

Why am I friends with him anyway?

I hate him.

Suddenly, I come back to my senses again. OK, how did I get in the elevator? When did class end? It’s as if I blacked out for some time.

Wow, I’m crazy.

What’s wrong with me?

He’s right to hate me, I would too.

I have the worst life.

Suddenly I again become aware of people standing around me.

Do they know I’m “crazy” too?

My pocket vibrates and I again whip out my phone. It’s him; he texted me back. My heart rate slows down and my breathing goes back to normal. My shaking starts to go away and the world comes into view before me. Suddenly, I’m on top of the world. I feel amazing, and it’s like I was never anxious in the first place. The fact I told myself I hated him not too long ago escapes my mind.

I knew he was just busy.

I love him so much.

He’s the best friend in the world.

Life is good.

Follow this journey on the author’s blog.

Photo by David Kennedy on Unsplash

Originally published: January 7, 2019
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