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When the Borderline Personality Disorder Monster Takes Over

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I woke up today with a yearning in my heart to be better. For so long I have battled who I am and who I choose to be. For so long, I’ve watched the tears fall from my eyes while looking in the mirror trying to remember who I am.

The problem is, I haven’t been sure for a long time. I’ve seen my pain on my shoulder, my heart on my chest. I’ve heard the shouts of anger and agony boil inside my head.

I’ve lived with this monster brewing inside of me for as long as I remember. The monster that has changed my passion to pain. The monster that has destroyed relationships so crucial to me. I’ve fought back tears as I’ve questioned my validity in life. As I’ve questioned whether my feelings were real or if the monster was playing his game again.

Who am I today? I wonder as I stare into the mirror in front of me. Where will the day take me and how will I be. I usher my kids off to school, unsure of how my mood will affect my day. See, because in the morning I am always unsure. I am always working the motions and trying as I might to avoid my own brain. It’s only when I’m alone do I know who I will be. Is my brain going to be numb to the pain going on inside or will there be unabashed chaos? A type of chaos that means torment to those I love.

I take my time on my chaotic days to sit and reflect. The monster and I are in a constant battle. I can almost envision a dark mass, fighting a little piece of me on top of my brain. The problem is, the mass is bigger and the girth he has is always enough to overtake. Even if only for the moment. But I keep strong and I fight that monster with everything I am.

I wander the days waiting for him to creep up, waiting for his valiant hold. It doesn’t always last through the day. Sometimes the piece of me bursts through, triumphant, holding him back. And in those moments I cry out the “sorry’s” for the hurt I caused when the monster had taken over. I refresh my brain. I fall and heal. Because there’s only so long before he takes hold again.

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Originally published: November 21, 2016
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