Why I'm Happy to Be a Mother With Borderline Personality Disorder
Having borderline personality disorder (BPD) certainly has its challenges. I’m overly emotional, fearful of abandonment and argumentative when I don’t need to be. I’m so sensitive that every hurt feeling feels like a swift stab to my stomach, hard to heal from and hard to forget. When my daughter was born, I feared my symptoms would affect how I treated her. Would I be easily angered? Would I be too sensitive to her cries of protest? I surprised myself, and let these benefits of being a mother with BPD take over instead.
1. I love my daughter intensely.
BPD has always caused my emotions to be more intense than normal. Sometimes these emotions are bad, but in the case of what I feel for my daughter, the emotion I experience is great and powerful love.
2. I am empathetic toward my daughter.
Not only do I feel my emotions strongly, I feel others’ emotions intensely, too. So, every skinned knee, every fight with her friends, every break up, I will feel what she feels and be able to help her get through it better than I would if I felt couldn’t feel her pain.
3. I am passionate about her interests
Blocks, ballet, soccer, boys. As she grows she will develop different interests, and I will be excited about each and every one. I will be able to build with her, dance with her, cheer for her and talk with her with such enthusiasm that we will have not only a strong mother-daughter relationship, but a fun one, too.
4. I will be able to teach my daughter unwavering confidence.
Part of BPD can be having too much confidence — confidence that can either be risky or foolish. Part of managing my BPD has been to channel my confidence in positive ways like having a healthy body image, enjoying feelings of success in a realistic way and teaching my daughter these healthy means of confidence are essential for her as well.
5. I can show my daughter what it means to “shine.”
On my good days, which happen more than the bad, I am witty, charming and great with people. I note how I feel during these times and look forward to showing my daughter the benefit of sometimes being the life of the party, the one making people laugh and the person who is so easy to relate to that people seek her out.
BPD, at times, has made my life hell. I have had broken relationships all my life, hurt people I didn’t mean to hurt and have feared losing the peopleI love because of my actions. Becoming a mother has made me see my BPD in a new and more positive light, recognizing that my life doesn’t have to be all about being angry, crying at the littlest things or being upset with the wrong people. I’ve discovered the beauty that is my BPD and am going to share that beauty with my daughter so she can see the light and so she can shine like her mommy shines.
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