What I Wish Others Understood About My Bulimia

Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741.

When some think of bulimia, they think of a someone kneeling by the toilet, vomiting their dinner.

“How horrible that must be,” I’ve heard some say. “To have to put your body through that after every meal?”

What they don’t understand is that’s the easy part for me. The ghost of bulimia doesn’t just come out for a short visit after meals. It doesn’t go back into hiding once its job is done. The ghost of bulimia is a constant, negative force that controls my every sense, my every emotion and my every thought of every second of every day.

For me, bulimia is not a single event.

For me, it’s peeling off that gold star sticker when I was so sure of it that morning. It’s stepping on the scale before I even get to enjoy my cup of coffee. It’s skipping classes just so I can get a workout in. It’s eating the same thing. Every. Single. Day. It’s judging others and constantly wondering if they judge me. It’s crying as I eat something on the way to the bathroom. It’s the failure I feel when my gag reflex won’t work. It’s the dizzy spells, the hunger pains, the headaches.

It’s avoiding friends and family gatherings. It’s not hearing anything because the voice of reason and the voice of bulimia keep arguing in my head. It’s missing birthday parties because a piece of cake is more terrifying than the clown. It’s never becoming close with new friends who want to grab a drink at a pub. It’s crying in my car while I wait in the drive-thru at eight in the morning. It’s telling the cashier about that “big party” I’m having so she doesn’t judge me on the amount of food I’m buying. It’s never having spontaneous dates with a partner because these things need to be planned ahead of time. It’s never going to a restaurant that doesn’t have their menu online.

It’s no one taking me seriously because I’m actually at a relatively “healthy” weight. It’s searching therapists and resources online after one of my bigger binges at two in the morning. It’s seeing that therapist and having her hand me a food pyramid guide with a smile on her face. And another “how to meditate” sheet. It’s canceling plans last minute because every outfit I have makes me “look fat.” It’s being jealous of others who actually lost weight with their eating disorder. It’s the fear of going to a dentist to really know the damage I’ve done. It’s panic attacks, sore throats and ulcers. It’s nightmares about binging and waking up in tears. It’s hours spent laying in bed looking up triggering hashtags on Instagram. It’s the back pain from “posing skinny” and “sucking it in” all day. It’s the thoughts, the thoughts, the thoughts.

It’s bulimia and it is everything.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

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Thinkstock photo via Ninevian.