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Why I Don't Feel Like the 'Inspiration' My Friends Think I Am

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People tell me quite often that I am an inspiration to a lot of people reading my posts.

Just recently I was in the hospital twice for the same thing. On Saturday, July 1st and again on Wednesday, July 5th, I was admitted because I had a mini stroke (also known as a transient ischemic attack, or TIA).

Two mini strokes, five days apart. Not to mention my ever-worsening, failing heart. I am depressed, to say it politely. I am constantly worried about what might happen next. Will my heart present more symptoms that cannot be managed from home? Will I have another attack and end up back in an ambulance? Can I even work anymore? (I currently do this from my bed, on a laptop, as safely as I can.)

I post updates to my Facebook page, as this is the easiest way for me to keep people updated on current events.

Just today I made a deal with the dealership to give them back my lease, as I can no longer drive my car. My son, currently 17 months old, looks at me with love and hope in his eyes and all I can do is smile and pretend everything is OK so he continues to feel safe. My wife of 10+ years lets me lean on her when I am weak – physically and emotionally. She never gets to lean on me because she has to play the role of “rock.” That’s not how it’s supposed to work. She should be able to lean on me too.

A picture I posted on Instagram caught the attention of a friend, and they posted this comment:

Man we are all praying for ya Jason. So glad to see you on Instagram. You’re a miracle and an example of a true superhero. Hugs from my family to yours.

man lying in a hospital bed

I cried when I read this. Because that’s what I want to be, but right now, I have no strength to be this person. I can barely get through a day without wondering what’s next. Will it ever be over? Because from my seat, it doesn’t seem like it will be.

It’s hard. And I am losing my grip. My wife asked me, “What are you looking forward to?” (This was just after realizing I can’t drive and am giving up my car.)

I couldn’t answer her. I literally couldn’t think of anything to say.

I am not a superhero. I just play one on Facebook.

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Originally published: July 10, 2017
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