Looking Back a Year After My Son's Brain Malformation Diagnosis
A year ago this week, we were waiting on MRI results for our 14-month-old son. In the throes of spring break, our days had grown busier and longer than the typical weekdays that were ruled by the routines of homework, bath, and bedtime. I had all but forgotten about the MRI when my phone began to ring, a caller that in a glance I recognized as Texas Children’s Hospital. I can remember so many of the small, acute details about that day, because for a brief moment of it, time stood still. Even now my mind returns to that ratty t-shirt I was wearing with the stain on the shoulder and the Spongebob theme song on the TV. It was the soundtrack to which I found out my son had a brain malformation.
On that day a year ago, I feared most that Avery would not progress. That he might not go on to do the things his father and I dreamed of from the moment we knew he was coming. If I am being completely transparent, I even feared he would never be perceived as “normal.” I, in all my rationality and acceptance, was worried about “normal.”
polymicrogyria before that afternoon when time stood still. Even now, medical professionals will often turn their heads to the side and request, “Can you spell that?” when I rattle it off in his list of diagnoses. In the beginning, the fear was worse because the term itself was so foreign to me. How can you be brave in the face of something you know nothing about?In our case, a routine MRI to check on a brain bleed he had suffered during his premature birth led to the unexpected diagnosis. Somehow missed during his 16 weeks in the NICU, Avery was born with excessive folds in the perisylvian region on the right side of his brain. I had never heard the term
Arick, Avery’s father, and I did not talk much that afternoon. There was no small talk, no conversation about our days. The gravity of Avery’s diagnosis hung between us like a wall. We sat in relative silence together, making the calls to loved ones to let them know the news. We knew enough to explain polymicrogyria but beyond that, we knew nothing. So we Googled. And we cried. As we turned out the lights, I promised Arick I would stop Googling. Our fear that night was palpable. Sometimes, it still is.
It is only with the clarity of time, of a year fast-forwarded, that I can recognize how wrong I was. In my moment of weakness, I let myself doubt my son. My son who fought for his very life when he weighed just 1 pound 3 ounces at birth, my son who’s survived things I would say I cannot imagine, but I can because I was there. I feared he wouldn’t progress. I thought he would never understand me or be able to communicate effectively. Last week, I asked him if he was ready to go to bed. He looked at me, shook his head emphatically and said, “No night-night!” So, naturally, we stayed up.
Our dreams for him are still very much alive.
If there’s one thing we know about Avery, it is that he will accomplish great things. At 17 months he sat up and I cried heavy, burdened tears because I thought he never would. Within weeks, he could army crawl like he was made for it. The first time he looked at me and said “mama”, a piece of my heart that was broken by fear mended. At 28 months old now, he is trying to walk. He is bright, beautiful and loving. He has polymicrogyria, cerebral palsy and so many other diagnoses. But those diagnoses do not make him. They are simply small fractions of who he is.
What has changed the most since his diagnosis? Me. I am happier because I get to spend each day watching my son grow and learn. I get to teach him and see his eyes light up when he gets it. I am here to see him fall, and face challenges with a left hand that simply will not work. I am grateful for even those sad moments, because I recognize how different our lives could be. I know how debilitating that fear was.
I know that we will always fear the future for Avery. We may often question if, when and how he will be able to do certain things. Each day will be a new beginning though; each day a blank canvas for Avery to paint. He will paint it like only he can. He will paint it with progress. He will paint it with each feat he accomplishes. My son’s life will be a masterpiece.
He may not be “normal” to another family, but he’s our normal. He was meant for us, and we are so blessed to have him. Polymicrogyria, cerebral palsy, fear and all.
Follow this journey on 25 Weeks to Perfection.
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