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10 Guaranteed Ways to Cure Your Chronic Illness Instantly!

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You might think chronic illness has no easy fix, that it’s a complex problem that often has no cure because it’s widely misunderstood and medically complex. You might think people who are chronically ill deserve nothing but love and understanding on their journey. Well, you’d be wrong. They just need to Google a couple of things on the internet and then they’ll be all fixed! In my afternoons of mining the internet, and my personal experience, for the right advice and treatments, I discovered there are tons of ways to just easily fix everything. So, to help out, I’ve compiled an easy list of instant cures for you or a loved one today!

1. Drink more water. The life giving source is all you need. Add some cucumber and bam, you’re all better! Mmmmm. So easy, and so refreshing! Tired? In pain? Rushing to the bathroom? Get some nice fresh spring water in you and your problems will be cured.

2. Go to my Aunt Eliza’s husband’s cousin’s naturopath, because he was absolutely brilliant and he cured the cousin of some ailment that I can’t quite remember but that was probably worse than yours. He has some great herbs and stuff. Honestly, if you don’t go you’re just asking to stay sick. He was cured in under a week so you’re probably just wrong about your “illness.”

3. Think positive. Like, just think really positive, and it will completely cure you. Completely. This is revolutionary. Wake yourself up in the morning and think, “I am positive I do not have a chronic illness. Everything is wonderful!” If this backfires and you end up in hospital, make sure you tell all the doctors and nurses that you don’t need any medicine, you have positivity! Ask them for a nice smile and maybe even a motivational photo or two. You’ll be fixed in under a day, guaranteed.

4. Put some makeup on. Wear some nice clothes and do your hair — wow, you won’t look sick anymore! And we all know, if you don’t look sick, then you can’t be sick! #lifehack

 5. Just straight up get over it. Stop ever mentioning it, being limited by it, struggling with it, just shut up and move on. This definitely won’t lead you to be miserable and alone or to have a hard time managing your illness. It will completely fix you. Just toughen up! We all know that’s how you fix other things. If you have a brain tumor? Just get over it. Ignore it and go about your life instead of being a little wuss. That way if you did die from it you could do it triumphantly, saying “I was over that brain tumor years ago!” Clearly the same treatment plan applies for chronic illness. Don’t think or talk about it, and it won’t be there! If you ask a doctor the most common cause of illness, you might expect a big medical word. But nope, it’s “Not getting over it!” Woah, what a relief! All anyone had to do all these years is get over it.

6. Just try a different doctor. Obviously if the first doctor you’ve been to hasn’t cured you (and most of us have only tried one doctor or specialist of course!) then you need to stop being silly and just find another one. She’ll have a different office, you’ll get to redo all your paperwork, and she’ll quickly fix you, because she also helped my ex boyfriend’s sister’s dad.

 7. Oh boy, this is a big one. Right up there with “not getting over it,” the second highest cause of illness is (you could probably guess this one) laziness! Just stop being lazy. Pain, gut issues, sleep issues, hormonal imbalances, impaired immune systems, depression, broken nervous systems, they’re all just symptoms of laziness! Who knew it had so many side effects? Clearly if you just stop being lazy and lounging around in that bed all day doing nothing, all the laziness symptoms will disappear as if by magic.

“That’s not scientifically possible!” I hear you crying. Well, you’re wrong. I Googled it once and a man on a forum said he stopped being lazy and started going to the gym and it cured him. It’s incontrovertible proof. Even some doctors endorse this one. Just do some exercise. It’ll fix everything. In your home, at the park, in the gym, in the ambulance, this cure works anywhere! Heart problems? You should definitely exercise. It’ll fix it. Exercise is quite literally magical. You won’t feel terrible at all. It will 100 percent fix it all but you’re too lazy to try it of course. So get out there, stop being lazy, and there’s your cure in one easy step!

8. Just eat healthy. Have you eaten anything in the last three months that actually tasted like food? Then you’re doing it wrong. You have to eat the “kale and broth only” 56 and a half day ketogenic paleo FODMAP fructose-friendly vegan diet. Or, actually, if that sounds tricky, just cut food out altogether and drink more water. Bam, double cure!

9. Watch an online seminar for $79.99 on how a random dude filming in his basement somewhere in Europe fixed his entire illness. He probably has a book you can buy too, and some extra program advice for only $60, and a diet map and supplements for only a couple of hundred more. You are guaranteed before you pay the money that it will also cure you for sure.

10. Quickly fix your mental health. If your illness is depression or anxiety, just fix it. Make it disappear right now. OK, try this — think happy thoughts about a puppy in a nice sunny field any time you get sad. Wow! Solved. If you’re depressed and anxious because you have a debilitating, life altering chronic illness that’s affecting your quality of life, economic situation, ability to fulfill your dreams, and to have a social life or job, then just stop being so sad about all that, and it will cure your illness. Even if the illness came first, if you get depressed later the depression is automatically the cause of the illness. We all know that most illness is psychological, and can’t be treated in any way with modern medicine. Cancer, scoliosis, arthritis, Parkinson’s, all mental. They’d all be cured if people just cheered up. Chronic illness is no different! So listen to those jaded old people on the internet, fix the depression and you won’t simply be in a slightly better place to cope with a difficult situation, no, you’ll be completely cured!

Share this list with anyone in your life who might not have realized that you know about all these fantastic cures already. It’ll save you both some time! Now what are you doing? Go drink water, you lazy thing, and get cured so you can start your life right today!

Getty photo by Voyagerix

Originally published: March 3, 2018
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