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My 2018 Resolution as Someone With Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

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Where does my hope come from?
In the trusting of my own strength and faith tomorrow will be better?
In the people around me?
In medical staff?

I am not who you remember.
I currently can’t be who I once was.
I am more than the bubbly, outgoing, nonstop extrovert you once knew me as.
But there is another side.
One mustn’t disregard.
One others ignore.
One I try and forget.
One you can’t relate with.

It has being nearly three years since my diagnosis with a chronic illness. One year since a severe flare-up. One week since my body shut down on me, putting me in the ICU for days.

This past week has been one of the scariest times in my life. Landing in the hospital with an unknown “virus,” flaring up my chronic fatigue. There is nothing scarier than waking up in ICU with doctors surrounding you, crash cart on standby. Once again doctors can’t tell me what’s wrong. I come back home overwhelmed, scared it will happen again. That my body will react to unknown illness, simple colds, allergies, something.

My life is constantly in fear of getting sick.
Reacting to things medicine can’t put its finger on.
I become afraid to go out and be near others in case I catch something.
Chronic fatigue is more than an illness, it’s my everyday battle.
It has its good and bad days.
It’s made me struggle in my fear and trust in God.
Fearful of the present and future.
Afraid of not meeting requirements and expections.
Life goals or transistions.
I don’t know if I will ever be married.
I may never carry or hold my first kid
Afford to work
Go a day without the fear of sickness, a flare-up or reaction.

To help pay bills.
Keep friendships.
Keep staying strong.

But my resolution for 2018 is this:
My aim is to one day be free.
I will be well again.
Be completely healed from the thing I fear the most
From the daily burden and weight of chronic illness.
To be me again once more.

If you’re reading this, I get you.
Even when the world doesn’t.
You are not alone in the tears you cry.
When you hide away.
Curl up in pain.
For many are facing the same struggles and battles.
And one day we will shine and stand victorious again.
Take care, keep persevering.

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Originally published: January 21, 2018
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