Struggling to Self-Advocate After Years of Mistreatment by Doctors
You’d think I’d be a pro at self-advocating. I’ve spent more time in doctors’ offices and hospitals than many people would in 10 lifetimes. But this is actually why I’m horrible at it.
Over so many years of having health issues, I’ve inevitably encountered some really unpleasant nurses, doctors and dentists. I’ve had some experiences I still can’t even talk about, they were so traumatizing to me. On top of those experiences, I’ve also had little humiliations, embarrassments and judgments. I’ve been mocked and I’ve been dismissed. I’ve experienced severe gaslighting, on a level that is beyond anything I would have believed healthcare professionals would do.
When you add in the fact that I’m naturally quiet, am easily intimidated by authority figures and have had real, life-threatening issues minimized as not being serious, until the point where I almost died and needed emergency surgery, it all adds up to me being a horrible advocate for myself.
I doubt myself. I feel like I can’t possibly handle being treated inhumanely again, and if they’ve dismissed the issue once, it becomes extremely difficult for me to bring it up again. I feel guilty for being sick. I feel like I’m wasting doctors’ time. I feel like I have to be almost dying for me to deserve being taken seriously. I wait until things are really bad, and even then, sometimes I still can’t get the courage to address it.
It happened to me yesterday. I’m now beating myself up horribly for it. It would have been the perfect time to show just how bad a certain issue gets. To prove it to them, so they will finally try to fix it. But I was too afraid. I’ve been too afraid for eight months.
I’m ashamed at not having the courage to stand up for myself in order to get the treatment I need and deserve. I’m allowing myself to suffer, and I can only blame myself for that. My experiences have shaped me, but I’ve allowed them to overtake me.
And I’m not sure how to fix that.
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Lisa Prins is a binge hobbiest who is constantly throwing herself into many different projects. When she is not well enough to do one, she will find another. Music is her main love. She is a classically trained pianist, vocalist, songwriter, composer and ukulele player. She also enjoys writing, drawing, painting, crocheting, pixel bead art, photography, jewelry making, sewing, playing video games, robot building, and a number of other hobbies. Love, compassion, friendship and understanding are most important to her. They are what gives meaning to her life. Lisa was born with a congenital kidney disease called renal tubular acidosis. This combined with asthma, chronic infections, idiopathic angioedema and anaphylaxis have shaped her into a person who is thrilled to experience every bit of life and love, every sunset and every little joy that life has to offer. She lives with her incredible partner, who is, and has been, her love, her best friend, and, at times, her caregiver. She decided to start contributing her writing in the hopes she can help others know they aren’t alone, and help those who aren’t chronically ill better understand the people around them who are.
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