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My Pain May Worsen, but I Will Never Give Up

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It has been six years, two weeks and one day since my car accident. The flashbacks of the moments before the impact have faded, or maybe I just don’t think about it as much. When I do think about those moments they are as clear as day. The pain hasn’t faded though – it has gotten worse. I remember when I was told that the pain I was in wouldn’t go away, that in fact, as I age, my pain will get worse. I honestly didn’t believe the doctor. What I also know is that sometime in my future the pain might become so great I won’t be able to walk. That scares me.

damaged car after an accident

My accident felt like a very vivid dream I thought I would wake up from, though clearly I haven’t “woken up” from it.

So, since this is not a very bad dream, I have to learn to live with my everyday constant pain. Some days are better than others. Then there are the bad days. Honestly, I believe that with every bad day I make it through, the more likely I am to make it through the next. What do I mean by that? Well, chronic pain can be accompanied by depression, self-hate, exhaustion, anger and quite a bit of other things. Those bad days become worse when you work in retail and have to fake a smile. On those days, I just want to cry and crawl into a black hole and never come out. I am going to be very honest: on those days I think a lot about how much better it would be if I stopped feeling pain all together. But I don’t think it will ever come to that.

Chronic pain is not easy for the person who has it, nor is it easy for anyone who loves them. The only thing a loved one can do for someone struggling with chronic pain is to be there for them. Pick them up and remind them you love them. Hold them when they want to cry and listen to them when they are in pain. I know from my own experience that I feel like people think I am lying because they can’t see my pain and I hide it very well. No one can ever understand someone else’s pain, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be there for them. My chronic pain has and will worsen as time goes by, but I will never stop pushing myself to keep going. I know if I can motivate myself to keep going, you can too. Seek help when it gets too hard and never give up.

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Originally published: May 16, 2017
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