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The Chronic Pain I Wake Up to Every Day (If I Even Fell Asleep)

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Laying in bed, light peeks in from the porch light and highlights the wall in my bedroom.

My mind is racing. What will I do tomorrow? Where do I have to go? Does the dog need a bath? Will I finish what I didn’t finish doing today?

I won’t know until I wake up in the morning and discover what my pain level is — that is if I ever get to sleep.

These are the things I ponder when I’m in constant pain. There’s no sleep-filled nights, no well-rested mornings, just “what side causes less pain so I can sleep on it and did I get enough rest to take a shower in the morning?”

Chronic pain is making plans that benefit your pain solely… It’s wanting to go on a road trip to the Grand Canyon and knowing you will have to prepare by laying in bed for a week and not doing anything strenuous.

Chronic pain is having to cancel plans with family once again because no pain meds, heating pads or bags of ice, nor any of your 11 medications can touch the pain…

It’s letting down loved ones and being forced to read notes about how you let someone down, again.

It can be searing horrible, stabbing, gut-wrenching I-want-to-cut-off-my-leg-to-fix-it pain…

It’s spinal cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) pain, low CSF pain, lupus pain, fibromyalgia pain, high intracranial pressure pain, nerve damage pain, scar tissue pain… too-much-pain-for-one-human kind of pain.

It’s an “I’m fine” kind of pain. And I wish more people understood it instead of judging me for what kind of pills I use to “manage” it.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo by Design Pics

Originally published: March 28, 2017
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