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Why I Dread Pain-Free Days

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Do you ever have the really good days?  The days that you feel virtually no pain?  No matter if it is from meds or just a chance of luck? I’ve come to dread these days. “Why?” you may ask. “Why would you dread a pain-free day?” Because when the pain goes away, it makes me that much more aware of it when it comes back.

I guess you get so “used to” the pain that you get numb to it. Then here it comes out of the clear blue: a day without. This may last for a few hours, a day or more, but you know inevitably it’s coming back. And when it does come back, it comes back like a lion.

Bam! There it is — the unbelievable pain. It’s as if the pain that would have been a three on the scale is suddenly a nine. Your memory is refreshed with the fond memory of what “normal” is.

How I hate that. How I hate being reminded of what I’m missing out on, knowing what all the “norms” out there are being taken for granted. If only they had the slightest inkling of what it’s like. If only you didn’t…

Do you understand my feeling? Do you dread these days as well, or is it only me? Ah, but I do look at the negative, don’t I? Why is it that I don’t look for the good in these moments? Why do I not live in the here-and-now and spend time with family and friends while I can? Don’t look to the pain that is to come, enjoy the bliss of being pain free. Look forward to these moments as the blessings they truly are. 

Why dread something that comes as such a relief? I’m sure most won’t be able to understand such thinking. Those who do not live with chronic pain won’t. Those who do may disagree with me. 

To those who do understand my train of thought, just remember these days that are such a blessing will come and go — it’s what you do with them that will really matter.  No matter how you may feel after, you’ll have the memory of what you do with such days to hold onto. I try to remember that in the future I will have the chance to create even more memories. Have hope.

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Originally published: April 22, 2016
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