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Why My New Year's Resolution Is to Stop Apologizing When I Don't Have Energy

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Every time I feel ill, I feel apologetic and ashamed. I cancel plans last minute. I debate being honest or coming up with a different excuse, fearing of losing friends and loved ones when I cancel plans due to something I can’t really explain, like exhaustion or nerve pain.

I feel ashamed because I feel like I cause it. I feel like I do a little too much one day because I’m feeling energy. I feel guilty.

I feel like a burden to my husband as I want to be able to make a romantic dinner or go on a nice date. Instead, I’m living in yoga pants, sleeping most of my day on the couch, asking him to pick up more house duties because doing simple tasks like emptying the dishwasher is exhausting and painful. How romantic.

I feel incredibly dependent on him. Before I developed Churg- Strauss, I was fun, energetic, loved to travel and cook. Now I’m lucky if I shower more than twice a week.

And I constantly find myself apologizing.

“I’m just really tired today. I’m really sorry.”
“I’m just not feeling up to it today, but maybe tomorrow. I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t have the strength to do that today. I don’t mean to burden you. I’m so sorry.”

I’m constantly apologizing for things I cannot control.

My husband and I met about three months before I got sick. He’s been to most of my appointments, has helped me with the different wound care treatments and has given me shots in my stomach numerous times. I constantly wish I’d just get a little bit better so I can be the fun, loving, and romantic person I used to be. Even just for a day, I’d like to be fun.

I apologize to my husband so often, I don’t know if there’s a day I don’t apologize for something I can’t control.

We had a long talk the other night, again with me apologizing for my energy. He expressed that he lives in flare fear. He rarely asks me to go to do anything anymore because he doesn’t want my health to go south. He’s afraid of hurting me, of asking too much of me, and making me go through more painful treatments.

This absolutely broke my heart.

As we cried on the couch, I apologized even more. He told me to stop. He told me that he knows what I go through and I need to stop apologizing for being ill. He told me I’m not a burden, and we both agreed that we will start trying to make plans again without “flare fear” blocking our romance anymore.

Flares are serious. They absolutely stink. However, they should not cause you to feel ashamed or apologetic. You should not feel sorry for having a flare.

This constant state of apologizing has made me depressed.
So it’s now my New Year’s resolution for me and my husband to work on this.

As we enter into the New Year, I challenge you to stop apologizing and stop allowing your illness to completely run your life.

Instead, try new experiences when you can. Rest when you can’t.

Stop apologizing and live.

Originally published: November 25, 2019
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