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To My Future Husband, Who Loves Me Through the Darkness of Depression

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To the love of my life,

Before we met face-to-face, I already told you about my illnesses. I never expected our relationship to progress into how amazingly beautiful and wonderful it is today. So when I was having a bad night and you were there offering to listen, I just let everything out. I didn’t hold back. I thought I’d see you face to face maybe once or twice (if that). Then, you wouldn’t want anything more to do with me, like most people do, even when I don’t tell them nearly as many details as I told you in those few hours.

But alas, here we are now, more than seven months later. I am head over heels in love with you and can’t imagine my life any other way. You make me happier than any other man I have ever met. Any other person I have ever met.

Though we have talked about many things throughout these seven months, there are a few things I need you to know. I need you to understand my anxiety, my depression, my anger, my inability to control my tears or my fears at times have nothing to do with your love for me or my love for you.

Growing up as a depressed child was extremely difficult. Parents, who didn’t know how to cope, make it harder for me to cope today. Now, not being able to sit still because I’m anxious for a plethora of reasons, ranging from my mind racing a million miles a minute about all the things I need to do, thinking about things I wish I could change or just blank and trying to come into focus on one thing, absolutely anything and hoping it’s positive.

When my mood snaps from being happy and goofy to instantly being angry and irritable, it not only makes you on edge but it doesn’t feel good to me. It makes me feel worthless, scared and incredibly unhappy. I just want a day to go by when I can be happy, without fearing the spiral of depression creeping around the corner any second.

I fear our happy moments will always be clouded by my depression. I feel terrible when my illnesses take over our relationship and hold it hostage. When my mood flips, I lose the happiness I had seconds ago. It makes me feel terrible when I see the effects my illnesses take on you. Seeing the uncertainty on your face, the fear of not wanting to say the wrong thing and make things worse. It kills me inside. I don’t want these illnesses, mental or chronic, to control our lives. I want us to to thrive within our capabilities and continue to grow.

I treasure the moments when I feel strong enough to come to you when I’m depressed. Sometimes, I get scared you will get sick of me and not want me around. I hide my tears as best as I can. I hide because I don’t want you to see the pain I feel on the inside tearing me apart.

I try not to always tell you when I’m feeling depressed because I’m afraid if I say it too much you will get annoyed, fed up or frustrated the only thing you can do help me is listen, hug me, hold me, kiss my tears away and try to console me with your love. I’m afraid  after having you do that too many times, you won’t want to anymore. I fear you will find it to be too much work and give up.

But I am here to beg you. Never give up. Never stop hugging me. Never stop consoling me. Never stop kissing my tears away. Never stop holding me. Never stop listening to me say the same things over and over again. I know it can be repetitive and annoying, but just listening and making me know you’re listening to me and hearing what I’m saying, even if it’s the millionth time. It will always make me feel like the most special girl in the entire world.

So to end here, is to tell you I love you. And thank you, thank you for being amazing. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for loving me, despite all that has been thrown in our way. I love you more than anything in the world.

Love Always,
Your future wife

The Mighty is asking the following: Tell us one thing your loved ones might not know about your experience with disability, disease or mental illness. What would you say to teach them? Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

Originally published: June 28, 2016
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