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Day and Night: Having Both Anxiety and Depression

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Let’s just be honest here… nothing is more exhausting than arguing with your own brain every day, all day. Every single thought is like a battle within itself. Having anxiety makes you care too much, having depression makes you not care enough. When you have both, it can be nothing short of hell.

I may be smiling on the outside, but on the inside, I’m at war. Anxiety gives me a list of things to do, but depression doesn’t give me any motivation to do any of it. You feel you want to do better, but you just don’t know how. Some people don’t realize how getting out of bed, brushing your hair, putting on clothes, simple chores like that, take so much out of you. When you wake up feeling tired every day because you know the day ahead is going to be exhausting because you are already fighting with yourself as soon as you open your eyes…

“If I stay in bed for five more minutes I might be able to make it through the day, but also if I stay in bed for five for minutes I’m going to be late for work.” So you sit there and argue, and before you know it five minutes have gone by and you didn’t get to rest or get up, so now you’re forced to get up and you start your day in a rush. It’s a constant battle.

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating socializing. It’s like wanting to be alone without being lonely. It’s caring about everything and nothing at the same time. It’s feeling everything at once and then feeling numb. The worst part of it all is you want to be loved but you don’t know how to let people in to love you and you always think you don’t deserve love. You feel like you are better off alone but you don’t want to be alone. You feel like you want to get help, but you don’t know which way to go.

Sometimes the only thing you know how to do is breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. One day, it won’t always be like this. One day, you will be able to have a day without having to fight with yourself. One day, you will accept the love you deserve instead of the love you think you deserve. One day, you will wake up and be able to conquer the day. Until that day comes, hold on.

You hope better days are coming. It can’t rain forever. You know it can’t be bad always. It can get better. You can fall so madly in love with yourself. You have already survived 100 percent of your bad days. You’ve made it through your worst times. You have all this strength and probably don’t even realize it. I know it seems impossible to get out of bed and go on with your day, but you can do it. Yes, you may have anxiety or depression, but they don’t have to have you.

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Photo by Eli Defaria, via Unsplash

Originally published: May 1, 2017
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