I began writing this blog at 3:30 this morning as insomnia was kicking my butt.
Seems I’m going through a bit of a depression period. And it sucks. I haven’t been motivated to do much lately, which isn’t helping to improve things. And normally when I’m going through a depressive time, I don’t blog.
But I had a thought just now…
I write a blog on anxiety and mental illness, but the times I’m going through depression, I don’t choose to blog. I guess on some level I think depression isn’t uplifting or inspiring. And perhaps I worry about dragging my readers down with me.
I just read that last sentence and realized how much bullshit it contained.
I mean, why am I afraid of blogging while I’m depressed? Bumming people out? Being too vulnerable? At the end of the day this fear does nothing but further stigmatize my mental illness.
So I’m pressing on.
I think my depression is a combination of things. My husband has been working some intense hours lately, and so we don’t see each other as much as we’d like. I also blame politics. Seeing it every day in my news feed, especially when I was watching the debates, has really got me fired up. And worried about the future.
But back to the lack of motivation. I think that’s the thing that sucks the most when I’m going through a depressive episode. Not having motivation to get things down makes things literally pile up around the house and then on top of being depressed I feel guilty that I haven’t gotten stuff done.
And the cycle continues.
I hate feeling this way and would give anything to not. I feel like one of those people in the antidepressant commercials. You know, the ones where the people look detached and sad as a list of side effects flashes under the screen.
But the one thing I hold on to during these times of depression, the thing that helps get me through, is to know I always come out on the other side.
I will be OK.
Dear reader, if you are feeling depressed at the moment, you are not alone. As Victor Hugo once eloquently wrote, “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise!”
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