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Dear Boyfriend Who Tries to Fully Grasp My Depression

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Of course, you have seen every inch of “flaw” I possess. Whether it makes your heart or face glow with warmth or whether you find those flaws mentally perplexing, I know you have seen the darkest to the brightest of my days. You have seen the side I am not willing to expose to anyone else but you. With my ever-growing social awkwardness and depression, I am willing to be vulnerable with you in order for our relationship to continue to thrive.

We smile. We laugh at the exchange of words only we can comprehend. We can recall the period of time when we were beginning to fall in love. All of those moments add up to happiness and a feeling that continues to be indescribable. But, we face the inevitability of relationships and our flame of happiness. We face the downfall to my mental battles.

With every moment we continually get to spend together, I apologize for the times the fog I mentally feel starts to creep upon my face. I apologize for staring out into the distance of the corner of the room when I feel numb inside. I apologize for being frustrated with you when I feel like you’re not trying hard enough, even when you are. I apologize for not hearing the last sentence you spoke, due to my heart aching. I apologize for not being able to gather the cluster of information flowing through my brain into comprehensible dialect when you ask me what is going on.

I always want to tell you everything I feel inside. Trust me, I do, but it is almost impossible to communicate how I deeply feel into words or actions. Words only touch the surface of what I feel inside. My words begin to sound like the clean version of an explicit song. My words are cutting the parts out that are imperative to understanding how I am feeling. They never seem to fully express the void I feel inside. They never seem to express the numbness that rushes through my veins.

It takes much strength to defeat the mental battle that tries to conquer my brain at unpractical times. It takes fortitude to believe in myself as much as you do. It takes willpower to be able to be social around your friends and family, without feeling my face blush in embarrassment. To attempt to match your level of social skills is impossible. It is difficult to socialize without feeling like I have to run to another room to breathe.

After admitting these struggles, I hope you can ease me through these challenges I face daily. No, I don’t wish for you to see me as a patient rather than your partner. I wish for you to be a culprit to my journey to better mental health. I wish for you to be the shoulder I lean on when I am trying to understand what is going on in my head. I wish for you to continually motivate me to mentally beat this battle.

Instead of getting more frustrated at my own frustrations, please understand I am trying my hardest to stay below my breaking point. It is difficult to stay strong, for the sake of not being a wreck in front of others and especially you. Being angrier with me makes me feel more detached with myself. I personally admit that my mental battles make me say or do things out of spite, but that is the reason I tend to push myself away further. Depression is a complex illness, but it disguises itself in ordinary situations. Whether it disguises itself through our arguments or in my actions, depression can may it seem like that is who I am and what I want to be, instead of what is simply going inside of my head.

You are like my Marlin, while I’m as lost as Dory. I am striving hard to live life normally, but sometimes my attempts get me into the stickiest of situations. I tend to forget myself in the depths of my despairs. I tend to be lost when the world gets tough. Sometimes, I just need the boost of a companion — a companion who can be there, when I am lost.

Norman B. Rice once said, “Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light.”

Offering support and just simply being there for me is enough, even if you ever feel like it is not. It is easily comparable to a ray of light, finding its way back to me in the darkness. It is the easiest thing you can do with my mental illnesses. Being understanding of my situation is like a safety net, as I know you will be there when I am not strong enough. It is not an easy process, but being there makes my heart want to move slowly towards the light. Patience is key. Your love and understanding will always be enough, especially when I need it the most.


Your Girlfriend

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Originally published: May 4, 2017
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