I know these.
I know these when I’m exhausted from not sleeping – because I didn’t fall asleep until 3 a.m. and I woke up multiple times from nightmares. Yet, my alarm is set for 6 a.m. – so I can shower and shave my legs before I start my day. This way I can at least outwardly maintain some semblance of having my life together.
I know these when I’ve cried all night Wednesday and all morning Thursday. Yet, I’ve showered and dressed while sobbing. Then, I’ve dried my tears and walked to university to attend my 9 a.m. tutorial.
I know these when I’ve had to apply for yet another extension for an assessment because unfortunately sometimes it’s just not possible to concentrate on the 1,500 words I need to write an essay when I’ve had to spend so much energy on remaining me.
However, because I’m an adult – the onus is on me to recover. The costs to myself, to my relationships, to my finances and to my time keep rising. I will continue to do what I have to do, including attending regular appointments with my psychologist and practicing self-care, because I refuse to let this control me. However, I’ve also realized and accepted I will always carry some of my past with me.
Sometimes all I feel is scared, sad, angry and helpless. And, sometimes I do allow myself to experience these feelings in full. But that’s OK – because I do need to honor them. I didn’t choose them, but they are a part of me. I might not always feel like the survivor I am. But because I wake up, dry my tears and calm my breathing – I survive. So, that’s today’s realization – inspired by this Facebook post from Adjust Remembered.
Because:
In our best moments, we understand that our vulnerabilities are what connect us, that there is beauty in every step of the journey, that we can love bravely, offer comfort to our younger, broken selves, and soar, always soar on the brightness of being alive’ – Kelly Rae Roberts (Roberts 2010).
Follow this journey on Be Your Own Sparkle.
Image via Thinkstock.
I am an aspiring early childhood educator, child protection advocate and survivor of long-term child sexual abuse. Continue to follow my journey at Be Your Own Sparkle.
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