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Looking for Light When You Only See the Darkness of Depression

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My alarm clock sounds and I am mentally bounding out of bed with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. But truth be told, I just lie there, immobilized by anxiety. Fighting the surge of panic that hopes to envelop me. Just for breathing in a new day’s oxygen. I need oxygen. Morning after morning this entire week has greeted me with an hour-long panic session. The sunshine places its rays across my bedroom during a spring sunrise. As each bit of light fills the room, I finally catch that elusive breath. Victory is mine.

I’ve found it difficult to make my way through life’s adversities when I have not locked eyes on the ending. When you are living in the dark tunnel of depression, groping for the way out, you can become desperate for a revelation of light signalling the way out. A person can see where they are and where they would like to be. The in-between is unfathomable. Our vision is distorted through a tint of skewed reality our brains have come to live in as true reality.

A robin’s cheerful song awakens me back to reality. I am here. I am safe. I am not going to die. I can take on whatever this day has for me. Songs are what move my deepest parts. They cause my heart to dance and come alive again. I’m convinced if it weren’t for the therapeutic influence of music, writing and listening, I would still be lost in the darkness. Music is the healing glue that pieces my broken self back together. In the light of day, I find I am a beautiful mosaic of broken moments redeemed. I don’t need to know the in-between. There is light ahead.

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Thinkstock photo via Ingram Publishing.

Originally published: February 17, 2017
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