What It's Like to Date When You Have Depression

Depression is tough to handle. Especially when other people get involved. Sometimes people with the best intentions can get in the way of your own healing. Figuring out how to share your life with someone is difficult enough. Add a serious mental illness into the mix and it becomes even more complicated.

I’ve struggled with depression for years and navigating through romantic relationships has proven tumultuous time and time again. There’s something so frightening about the vulnerability and openness that is expected to make a relationship work. How do you begin to explain the suicidal ideation to someone who has never been plagued by it? How do you explain the crying, irritability and short temper that often accompanies the depression? And when does it become unfair to your significant other? When is it no longer just about you? Because the truth is, depression will affect more people than just the person with it.

I’ve been in those positions. And somewhere along the way, I got tired of trying to explain why I would cry, why I would distance myself, and, most importantly, why real intimacy just wasn’t on the table. Suddenly, it became easier to not talk about and I stopped having those conversations. I put on this front and pretended my depression didn’t exist. I stopped opening up and my “relationships” turned into casual interactions. I was going through the motions, but was feeling nothing. To be honest, just about the only thing I wasn’t lying about was my name.  Everything else was this fabricated story about how I had it all together when in reality I was dying inside.

And I did that for a long time.

I still struggle with whether it is worth it to open up regarding my struggles with depression. To put it out on the table where it’s no longer solely a personal matter. However, I do know when things got really tough, I got really strong. And with that strength came an unfailing desire to find a partner who can be as much as part of the battle as me. One who won’t just be a bystander, but can fully understand and appreciate the battle I fought for years and will continue to fight for the rest of my life.

In the meantime, I can only hope that one day I won’t feel the need to put on the act, but rather can be my true self. Because at the end of the day, we all have scars. It’s just a matter of who deserves to see them.