What I Found When I Looked Back at My 2017 New Year’s Resolutions

Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741741.

The new year is a great time to reflect on the previous year and make resolutions for the following year. I have fallen into this trap time and time again, and last year I posted quite a lengthy post with mine. I looked back to what I posted a year ago and of course felt silly.

I talked about how I watched my life and didn’t really dig in. I gained weight and paid for a gym membership that I didn’t really use. I also talked about how I carelessly ate and drank but assured everyone I would not give up drinking as this is “crazy talk.” I also stated that I had planted the garden and watched my husband tend to it. I ended it proclaiming that in 2017, I would challenge myself, get healthier and focus on the people (and animals) whom I love.

So here’s what actually happened in 2017…

Well, I continued to gain weight. Also, for most of the year, I continued to carelessly eat/drink. I planted that garden again, and my husband tended to it again. I do feel like I may have watered it a couple of times though. Consistency is important, right?

Now, time to come clean. I spent most of 2016 and 2017 in a “rut.” OK, I won’t sugarcoat it anymore — I was depressed; I am depressed. I now realize the eating and drinking was self-medication. I didn’t really see a point in watering the garden and the gym felt like a mountain not worth climbing. I hid my depression from mostly everyone and I think I excel at this. (Years of practice). I was able to function reasonably at work, until I wasn’t. It was the last thing I started to lose control over. I started losing more sleep over work, then was having more trouble concentrating and felt like I was barely keeping it together.

Going back to my 2017 lofty goals:

Challenge myself.
Be Healthier.
Focus on the people and animals whom I love.

Although the 2017 I envisioned didn’t happen the way I hoped, in a roundabout way I did meet my goals. Depression challenged me to the point where I finally let go and started to give in and get the help I needed. I’m not as healthy as I would like to be, but at the end of 2017 I started to exercise more and stopped drinking. I have also realized that unless I am in a good place, I won’t be present enough with those whom I love and my life in general.

So, in conclusion, life generally doesn’t go the way we plan, but sometimes things need to fall apart so we can rebuild with a stronger foundation. Also, resolutions aren’t the be-all and end-all, but it does help to have goals to strive for in the new year.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Getty Images photo via KatarzynaBialasiewicz