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When Depression Makes You Live in Opposites

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Wonder what depression is like?

It’s when even listening to a sound seems tiring. It could be somebody’s words of love for you, your favorite song, the sound of two spoons clashing, and all you want to do is shout and shut them all off.

You want to shout but you don’t have the energy to open your mouth. The depression surrounds you from within and it consumes you. It eats you. It drowns you. Please, pull me up.

It’s this burning thing inside you that makes you want to tear yourself apart and put it down. It’s when you read all those explanations for your being but don’t process a single word because ah well, it’s all pointless.

It’s when you want sympathy and yet don’t.

It’s when you want attention but want to be invisible as well.

It’s when you care about your world but you don’t.

It’s when you want to lift your hand up but you cannot.

It’s when you want to live but you don’t.

It’s when you don’t believe a pill controls your behavior but its absence proves that it does.

It’s when your loved ones need to be distanced. It’s when strangers become your point of solace, but well, there’s really no solace. It’s when you worry about your dear, while they worry about you, dear. It’s when there’s so much you want to do but there’s nothing you want to do.

It’s when good deeds seem bad and bad deeds seem good.

You either keep yourself active and not feel a thing or feel a thing and keep yourself inactive.

It’s beautiful, it’s your best friend. It’s disgusting, it’s your enemy.

It’s the darkness which is your own beloved. It is the darkness which is your storm.

You are closer to yourself than you ever were. You have lost yourself and seem even farther than before.

There are times you wonder if you will ever escape but you know you will come out stronger than ever before if you choose to fight it.

And while I lie here and write of its beauty and its menace, the choking tears are followed by my laughter. I’m more ridiculous and wiser than ever before. That’s what my depression did to me.

And no, you still don’t understand it one bit.

You never will. This one is mine.

Follow this journey on the author’s blog.

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Photo by Heng Films on Unsplash

Originally published: April 17, 2018
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