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How My Depression Encouraged Me to Pick Fights With My Loved Ones

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Recently I noticed my insecurities have gotten the better of me. I mean, how could they not? They scream insults into my ear all day. I found it strange that my anger was never taken out on people I don’t care about. It was always taken out on the people who mean the most to me.

The answer as to why puzzled me for a long time. If I love them, why do we fight? I finally realized it. I don’t have insecurity with people I don’t care about. Anxiety never tells me random strangers are going to leave. It’s always my close friends and family. As soon as the doubt comes in, its friends anger, jealousy and frustration quickly follow.

Soon I find myself in all-out screaming matches with people I completely adore. We fight for hours and by the end I’m drained. Physically from crying and emotionally from feeling my heart break.

Looking back over the messages, I determined the people in my life never changed. It was me. One missed text turned into a question of friendship and depression was quick to remind me I was a burden. The truth is I am not, you are not, no one is. We are people. Some of us have issues that make us pretty irrational, but our fight is never out of a place of hatred. It’s usually from self-doubt and insecurity.

The key for anyone with depression is to separate feeling and reality. There is a major difference between “I feel like someone is pulling away” and someone actually leaving.

There actually isn’t a clean cut way to fix this problem. As long as you struggle with depression and anxiety, the feelings may be there. The only way to help is to realize your immense worth. No matter who you are, what you go through or how much pain you feel, you deserve love. You deserve friends who make you feel loved. You deserve the world.

Next time you are about to start a fight with friend ask yourself, what am I trying to fix? What facts do I have? What would I be feeling if the roles were reversed?

Fights will always be a part of life but it’s up to you whether you allow them to take your friends and your joy. Remember, the real fight isn’t with a friend. It’s with depression. Depression steals joy, don’t let it take your friends too.

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Thinkstock photo via mikal.

Originally published: March 28, 2017
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