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I Don't Recognize the Man in the Mirror Anymore

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Where did I go?

Who is this person I walk around as every day? Who is the man staring at me in the mirror? That isn’t me. The man I see in the mirror is angry, sad, hateful, depressed, destroyed, tired. That isn’t me. I’m not his friend. But he is with me every day. Everywhere I go this person is with me. He’s empty. Cold. He isn’t the type of person I like having around me. He feels like a wet towel thrown over my shoulders and back. Weighing me down. Who is he? Why is he always standing in my place?

Where did I go? Where am I? I love to smile. I love to laugh. I love to tell jokes and make other people laugh. I have pride in myself and how I look. People love to be around me. I am ambitious. I have dreams. I have goals and I complete them. I’m happy. I’m in love. I’m enthusiastic.

But where am I? I just see him. I only see a tired, angry and depressed face. I see someone stuck in a mirror. I feel someone hanging on to me. I can’t see myself. Where am I?

I can see myself in old pictures smiling, being happy, enjoying life, being full of enthusiasm, living! I can remember those days. I can feel those days being filled with happiness, excitement and a sense of pride. The goals and dreams come rushing back to my mind when I see old pictures and think of older memories. I hear a song I would listen to back then and all my positive energy and emotions from then come to my mind. It’s the same thing when I watch an older movie. The memories are so alive! So was I!

Where the hell did I go? Where the hell am I? Where did I lose myself and who the hell is the man staring at me in the mirror? Why the hell is he trapped inside my mirror?

Did I lose myself when I became a father? Did I lose myself after my wedding? Did I lose myself after my friend died? Did I lose myself after buying a house? Did I lose myself when I thought I was supposed to be an adult and act a certain way? Did I lose myself to alcohol? Did I lose myself when I stopped dreaming? Did I lose myself when I didn’t have any more goals? Where did I lose myself and how do I find myself again?

Did I get replaced by someone I thought I was supposed to be? Was the person I thought I was supposed to be, not a person at all? Was that person not possibly allowed to be happy or alive?

Is the person looking at me in the mirror…

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Thinkstock photo via MarinaZg.

Originally published: March 3, 2017
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