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When Depression Changes Your Emotions in the Blink of an Eye

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I have depression, but it’s not the stereotype of feeling sad all the time. Actually, most of the time, I’m not sad. I’m numb. Being numb is terrible.

Picture this. You are out with your friends, having a great time. All of a sudden, a cloud of darkness flows over you. You suddenly feel nothing. You are no longer happy, but you’re not necessarily sad. You feel tears burning your eyes, fighting to come out, but you don’t let them because you don’t know why you’re wanting to cry in the first place. Depression is not just being sad all the time. Your emotions can change in the blink of an eye.

People can argue with this all they want, but until you’ve gone through it, you probably won’t get it. Sometimes I will feel an overwhelming surge of emotion, but I’m not sure which one. It’s like your mind is trying to play charades with you. I then withdraw myself from my friends, knowing they won’t understand.

Then, this will happen. You will wake up one day, realizing you pushed all of your friends away. You cry, feeling your heart sink to the pit of your stomach. The blank wall is staring back at you as tears stream down your face. You then realize your friends may not have understood, but they did care. They loved you, but you pushed them away.

Deep down, they still love you, but you don’t know that. You think they hate you.

Your state of mind can change in the blink of an eye. Your body trembles and shakes, wanting this to just be a nightmare. As you pinch your skin, you realize this is all too real. You are cold, but you’re warm at the same time. You can breathe, but you just can’t seem to get full breaths of air. Your mind is fighting your body and that is what you hate the most.

Depression doesn’t necessarily like to take its time. In my case, it enjoys to turn the light switch on and off frequently.

In the blink of an eye, I feel worthless. There is nothing I can do besides challenge the thoughts and take deep breaths. I suddenly realize I do have friends who love and care for me. In the blink of an eye, I realize everything will soon be OK. Pain will subside and I will continue to thrive.

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Thinkstock photo via Boggy22.

Originally published: February 24, 2017
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