What You Need to Stop Saying to Loved Ones With Depression in the Morning

Right now, due to my financial situation as a college student living away from home, I live with my grandparents.

I love my grandparents more than just about anyone out there. They’re great people, but they don’t really understand what it’s like to have a mental illness.

I have a few complimenting illnesses, but in this article, I’ll just talk about bipolar disorder.

I am in a depressive state right now, and because of the level of the depression, it is causing great stress and anxiety, and that is causing physical illness. On top of that, it’s the end of the semester, meaning the work is piling on and I’m out of absences. So, even though I have a doctor’s note, I can’t miss without being dropped from my class.

Something that’s very difficult for me when I am in a depressed state is getting out of bed. This is partly because of the exhaustion, partly because of the panic about facing another day. It’s partly because I’m processing the nightmares of the night before, or having the feelings from the nightmare flash into my head without knowing what’s causing it, and partly because I’m sick so I’m in physical pain.

People don’t understand what that struggle is like if they haven’t been in your situation. They say they do. They tell you that you just need to get up — don’t think about it, just get up. They tell you not to sleep past a certain time and it will be easier to get up. They tell you to get up just a little earlier than you have been so you have more time. They tell you just to exercise. They tell you to stay busy. They give all kinds of advice, but they don’t give you any type of credit.

I get out of bed. I have to. It isn’t easy, but I do it. But, according to some, I don’t get out of bed quickly enough.

This morning, I woke up 20 minutes before I had to be in class. I don’t do much to get ready, but I was hit with all the pain, the emotion, the anxiety and the exhaustion I am filled with every morning, this time coupled with more physical pain than usual due to my bronchitis.

I spent some time getting rid of all the notifications on my phone — replying to emails and comments on Facebook. Then, I spent a lot of time lying in bed trying to make myself get up.

As I was in that process, my grandmother came in and said, “What are you doing?”

I replied, “Trying to find the strength the get out of bed.”

Her response: “Don’t you have class?”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t it at 9?”

“Yes.”

“Then don’t you need to get up?”

“I’m trying.”

Then she walked out of the room.

This is a normal morning. It’s my grandparents coming into my room and going through that dialogue, or asking me, “Aren’t you late? You need to get up earlier,” followed by a sigh and a lecture every morning when I do come out of my room.

I’m beyond aware that I am late. Trust me. I have anxiety about being late. I have tried waking up earlier. I end up lying in bed for so long I fall back asleep and miss class altogether.

Getting out of bed is hard for me, and I know I’m not the only one. But for people with depression, it gets even harder.

Don’t treat someone who is struggling to get out of bed like they’re lazy. That may not be the case. They may be sick. They may have a mental illness that makes it difficult to face the day and leave the safe place that is their bed.

Be kind. If someone had the flu, you wouldn’t be rushing them to get up. Treat someone with depression the same way. Have compassion and patience. Let them be in charge of themselves and stop pushing so hard. You probably aren’t helping; you are probably just making it worse for them. Just be kind and stop being so pushy to those you care about.